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DECISION DAY LOOMS

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Hezza outcome set to disappoint

We find out this week the fate of the Hezza Fund.
Rumour has it that Whitehall has only come up with an ‘insulting’ £2 billion out of £70 billion towards the so-called single pot for the regions – money the regions argue would be better spent through local decision-making rather than by central Government diktat.
Birminghamcould get as little as £50 million; what a farce.
And it is expected to be accompanied by another round of local government cuts.
Given there is no new money involved in the Hezza initiative it is a bit hard to see what the point of it all is, especially as Birmingham’s record on spending is pretty chequered.
It has been plain for months that Birmingham will get only a ‘sop’ and that the whole exercise has in effect been kicked into the long grass.
Enthusiasts say that however little is on offer an important breakthrough has been achieved – acceptance that there should be a regional single pot.
Something, it is maintained, that can be built on.
They will spin it as a victory.
Piffle! This was always going to end in tears.
When will we grow up and realise the city will only prosper through its own efforts?
On Wednesday we shall find out how delusional we have been.
And on the subject of delusions … what of the BirminghamAirport lunacy?
If you speak privately to people most will admit it has many failings – like an inadequate European network.
But publicly they feel obliged to back it and its science fiction vision of the future.
Now at last we have seen an air industry 'insider' come as close as he dares to breaking ranks.
Laurie Berryman, Emirates UK vice president, has told the airport it still has to win hearts and minds in the Midlandhinterlands.
The likes of Oxford, Banbury and Milton Keynes.
He noted: "The people of Birminghamknow about it and use it, but it is not getting people to the south. And people from Nottingham and Derbyare going down to Heathrow."
He is stating in effect what I have been saying for a long time – BirminghamAirport simply fails to appeal to sufficient Midlanders.
And of those that actually use Birmingham many do not do so for its own intrinsic appeal but instead as a 'rat-run' to European hubs such as Paris, Amsterdamand Frankfurt.
So whatever the merits of the airport's dream to become another Heathrow it speaks from a position of weakness.
If it can't persuade its own catchment of its attractions how can it possibly expect Londoners to get it?
Which is why its posturing and its bluster is treated with such disdain and contempt in Londonand the South East.
Its case is built on sand.
It is said that Transport Secretary Patrick McLoughlin, MP for Derbyshire Dales, is sympathetic.
That's fine.
Sadly though, until Birmingham Airport puts its own house in order it will not get, and does not deserve, the sort of hearing it feels is its right.



THE DIARY OF A ROWING NOBODY

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Boat Race
The wimp finds a sporting role

It was fate that put me and rowing together.
From an early age I was intrigued by the Boat Race and remembered seeing a very grainy black and white TV transmission from Henley years before.
Even the comic I read, was it The Victor, had a serial about a lad from Cornwall who aspired to greatness with Oxford.
And that was as far as it went for years.
Rowing wasn’t exactly a major sport in the Black Country; it was all football and cricket. As a tall, very skinny kid, I was not one of life’s first picks at Grammar School – where rugby was added to the mix – for any sport. In fact I was invariably the last. In seven years at senior school I never once represented it at anything.
I was once picked to throw the discus in a B match (the boy doing the measuring charitably let the thing roll a few yards), but was dropped the next day when Itchy (don’t scratch boy) Green, the sports master, found a lad in the year below who could sling it farther.
No understanding arm around the shoulder and word of explanation – just my name scratched out on the team sheet on the notice board, for all to see. Did I take some stick!
Faz and chums on the water
There was eventually redemption, I fortunately had a friend with a brain, and he’d passed for Cambridge, whilst I was to join the ranks of the local accountants.
He thought he’d have a go at rowing with the local club in Birmingham, so I decided I’d go along.
After 10 minutes in the tub the coach asked if I’d done it before, this felt good.
At last I’d found something that came naturally and felt right. I got stuck in, and the 6ft 2in 10 stone weakling soon filled out to something more respectable. I was put in a crew, harangued into fitness by the captain, an aggressive terrier of a bloke, and won Novices.
The penny dropped, if you worked hard enough, success could come.
To be continued.
* John Fazakerley was actually better than useless and one of the stalwarts of the Birminghamrowing scene. Still rowing for Bewdley at 62, with Paul Warnett, and won gold at the 2009 national veteran championships in a coxless 4 with two of the Stourport crew.

BATTER LATE THAN NEVER

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Legal eagles swoop to conquer

Lawyers turning up late – who would have thought it!
Clearly not briefed properly.
The barristers of No 5 Chambers drifted into the Britannic ground just as their game against Mainstay Group started and in future, says my man hiding in the bushes, “should seek out sympathetic judges who will adjourn early for the cricket to start on time”.
Absolutely.
Despite the late show No 5 set a total of 139 for Mainstay to chase.
But after an excellent run in the Warwickshire Taverners Trophy, sponsored by Investec Wealth & Investment, Mainstay’s staying power had gone.
My sneak reports: “Poor shots and failure to follow captain’s orders to play straight and sensibly meant Mainstay fell short. There were also unconfirmed rumours of a pavilion strop by a team member who was run out without facing a ball.”
Goodness me, sounds almost like the turmoil in the camp of the Aussie convicts over here for their usual Ashes thrashing.
The end result was that Mainstay lost by 7 runs.
Phoenixmade it three wins from three in the tournament this year by beating semi final rivals Deloitte.
Boundary Sports was the other major benefactor with the group’s Steve Clevett committing the schoolboy error of forgetting his kit.
Had to stop off en-route to the ground for a new set of whites. Obviously did not fancy the lost property basket at the Britannic which was understandable.
Deloitte could only make 64 in the face of some good bowling. Darren Kok was amongst the runs and steered Phoenix home by 8 wickets.
Phoenixwill be looking to beat Gateleys on July 11 with a view to booking their semi final slot with Boundary Sports hoping for more business in the remainder of the tournament.
Surveyors Savills returned to winning ways with captain Tom Burn back in the runs.
Meanwhile, with the tournament in week 8 DAC Beachcroft are still to play a game. They will be keeping one eye on the long range forecast to avoid any rain before putting dates in the diary.
Warwickshire Taverners Trophy Week 8
Tuesday 18 June – No 5 Chambers 139 for 7 in 16 overs (Matthew Hann 35*, Tahir Mahmood 2/21) beat Mainstay Group 132 all out in 12.2 overs (Charles Lucas 35*) by 7 runs.
Wednesday 19 June – Savills 184 for 4 in 16 overs (Tom Burn 38*, Ward 37*) beat PwC 169 for 6 in 16 overs (Lawson 36*) by 15 runs.
Monday 24 June – Deloitte 64 all out in 15.6 overs lost to Phoenix Group 68 for 2 in 10.2 overs (Kok 27 not out) by 8 wickets.

OPENING THE DAWES ON A LEGEND

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Ross Reyburn reprises the greatest ever Lions tour

For rugby aficionados my old mucker on the Birmingham Post, Ross Reyburn, has produced a new biography of John Dawes.
The Man Who Changed the World of Rugby tells the story of the greatest of all
Lions tours in 1971 when Dawes and his hugely gifted contemporaries achieved rugby’s Everest, becoming the only Lions team to win a Test series in New Zealand.
And that remains the case to this day.
A legendary backline which also comprised Gareth Edwards, Barry John, Gerald Davies, David Duckham, Mike Gibson and JPR Williams.
The former London Welsh, Wales, British Lions and Barbarians captain was also a member of the Magnificent Seven – those who touched the ball for the greatest ever try.
Barbarians v New Zealand in 1973.
Phil Bennett, JPR, John Pullin, Dawes, Tom David, Derek Quinnell and Edwards scores.
Always a pub quiz beater.
My memory of Dawes is of a seemingly pedestrian centre, little flamboyance compared to his illustrious compatriots, who when first seen didn’t look special.
But he was the glue who got the most out of the geniuses around him.
He was the best giver of a pass I have ever seen.
That sounds simplistic, but if the pass is delivered at precisely the right split second then it makes space for others.
Every rugby player thinks they can pass a ball; Dawes did it at a different level.
An intelligent man, he had a brilliant rugby brain and he was an exceptional captain.
Ross has pretty much a similar assessment but in much greater detail, picking up too on the likes of Dawes’ defensive qualities.
He takes the reader back to Old Deer Park where Dawes perfected his vision of attacking rugby, turning London Welsh for a few glorious years into the most glamorous rugby club in Europe, and then translating his success to the world stage.
As a young sports editor of The Hampstead & Highgate Express in London, prior to arriving in Birmingham, Reyburn spent a year interviewing Dawes after his return from the Lions tour. But the work remained unpublished as he refused to succumb to pressure from the book trade to turn the manuscript into a ghost-written autobiography that he felt by definition would have lacked objectivity.
I hope Ross won’t mind my teasing him but he has something of a talent for finding himself in odd predicaments!
Edwards
Now 40 years on Welsh firm Y Lolfa based in Talybont, Ceredigion, have saved the day and Ross has pepped up his original manuscript with a newly-written postscript detailing Dawes’ post-playing career.
It is a good read. It came out this week and I recommend it.
Clever timing given the Lions tour of Australia is getting exciting.
What I forgot about Dawes is reflected in the title.
Turn to page 118 and you get the essence.
“The 1971 British Lions were playing the London Welsh game where the emphasis was on swift passing, use of the wings, the attacking full-back and the sudden counterattack from defensive positions.”
A philosophy more or less invented by Dawes.
It is a different game today though still capable of being gloriously exciting as the First Test in Brisbaneshowed.
As the book analyses, overly-physical; hookers who don’t hook because referees refuse to clamp down on scrum-halves who put the ball in crooked; players strung across the park in lines, rugby league fashion; coaches who coach out spontaneity; a reluctance to get the ball down the line fast to the winger from the set piece.
Plenty wrong with the game but plenty right – just look at the global audience for top class rugby today.
The Man Who Changed The World Of Rugby (ISDN number 9781847717061) is priced £9.95.
Ross can be reached on rossreyburn@yahoo.co.uk.

THE ALTERNATIVE LIONS TOUR REPORT

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Booze, rugby, more booze, crocs, booze …

That’s my boy!
Duckers jun has hit the ground running, with a pint in his hand, on the Lions tour.
Travelling with lawyer chum Mike Twining – both are members of Moseley Oak RFC – the pair managed their first scam before take off from London.
“In the airport bumped into the sound technician of the Manic Street Preachers who gave us his number for their Sydney gig.”
Get bopping, lads.
Dubai and there were former England stars Lewis Moody and Bryan Moore.
Arrival at MelbourneAirport produced first hiccup.
“Twining lost his bag as we couldn’t work out the self-weighing station – however it got couriered straight to the hotel whilst I had to lug mine all over town.”
Big Mike always falls on his feet!
More VIPsightings. “Saw Bill Oddy at the airport in Brisbane– an odd start to Brisbanelife.”
(Look son, I do the jokes, all right)
“Off to the pub now after sleeping in all afternoon – jet lag is a killer and long haul flights are not fun.”
Then time to check out the strange locals before back on the booze.
“Went to Oz zoo – pissed it down – watched the croc show. Met an ex-Oak player called Lala (his nickname as he talks for England); he looked after us well though.
“Been pretty much on a pub tour of Brisbane. Did the 4x brewery tour – four free beers.”
And at last, what they’d really come for, the Lions glorious victory over the convicts.
“The First Test was rammed – the Assies were handing out yellow army hats to get more yellow into the stadium.
“We were 10 metres away from the George North try in the corner – best thing I've seen live.”
And then back to the pub … and a shock.
“Huge Aussie stands by the table (everyone’s slightly nervous) – ‘you bunch of c**** .... no actually well played’.
“Sums them up. A funny moment.”
And Brisbanegets the thumbs up. “On the whole a good city – very clean and plenty to do.”
Melbourne and the Second Test – watch this space.

THE MULLANEY BABE OF THE WEEK

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This week – ‘Roz’

You may recall I revealed a couple of weeks back how one time Birmingham City Councillor Martin Mullaney has turned pub photographer.
Rumour has it that Mullaney has some deal with his local, the Prince of Wales in Moseley, presumably free ‘sauce’, to take pictures of all and sundry for the website.
And naturally, Mullaney being Mullaney, most are of nubile young ladies, some in suggestive poses.
Phew! Pass the smelling salts, vicar.
Now, by popular demand, and for a short run, from the Prince of Wales blog site, we bring you the Mullaney ‘Babe of the Week’ – as unilaterally decided by me.
Here is ‘Roz’.
‘Roz’ has one ‘O’ level and likes pints of bitter and big hairy bikers.
OK then, I just made that bit up.
Boom! Boom!

POTTY HEZZA

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Now Birminghammust go in a new direction – Rant

I am tempted to say – I told you so.
So I will. I told you so.
The Heseltine single pot fund has indeed gone to pot.
Something this column revealed many months ago when the great and the good of Birminghamwere still pinning all their hopes on it.
The Chancellor and the Treasury were never going to come up with the goods. A sop was all we would get at best and a sop is what we got.
A mere £2 billion a year starting in 2015/16 and if the Tories get thrown out at the next election it may never happen at all.
This is against £50 billion (£70 billion if you add in European funds) which Heseltine was asking for.
If you kind of ‘cheat’ and count in pledged European and transport funds you arrive at £20 billion available to LEPs up to 2020 – the £2 billion a year from 2015, plus £5 billion for transport and £5.3 billion European cash.
But, remember, there has always been European money and transport spending, and the £2 billion is also not new money. It is existing money which the Treasury is magnanimously distributing around the country’s Local Enterprise Partnerships, about £50 million or so per LEP, so the decision-making can be done locally.
Except that isn’t even true either – they will have to bid for it with central government continuing to control the purse strings.
And we are talking money which would have otherwise been spent by Government Departments on other things, let’s, for the sake of argument, say addressing long term unemployment. If the LEP decides instead to put it into infrastructure then tough luck on the long term unemployed.
For that geographical absurdity, Greater Birmingham and Solihull LEP, this whole affair is a huge setback and humiliation.
The LEP is a mess – lots of vision statements and no real idea how to get any of it to fruition.
Busy executives, with little time to devote to what is effectively a sideline for them, well-intentioned, trying to do their civic duty, but hopelessly out on a limb.
Privately an increasing number of the Birmingham business community will admit we were far better off with axed regional development agency Advantage West Midlands.
There may have been question marks over its operating costs and bureaucracy but it at least employed staff who by and large knew what they were doing. Sometimes it took overly long, but generally AWM delivered on its promises and brought projects through.
Two of their great successes are about to come to fruition – the redeveloped New Street Station and the i54 regeneration site where Jaguar Land Rover is currently building its new engine plant.
This city needs to tear up its blue prints, back success stories like JLR, get behind manufacturers and exporters and realise that you don’t have to have vast sums of money to market Birmingham effectively – read next week’s Rant to find out how.
Only this weekend I was chatting to someone who works for one of the country’s leading, most innovative manufacturers.
He was saying they were now down to just one Birmingham factory after failing to get permission to re-develop others.
It was almost, he noted, as if Birmingham didn’t want to know.
How dreadful.
But let’s get some context into this.
If you asked me what was the single most pressing issue, it would not be HS2, Hezza single pots, inner city deprivation, transport … it would be sorting out Birminghamchildren’s services which are so appallingly failing our youngest, most vulnerable, citizens.

THE DIARY OF A ROWING NOBODY

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Henley
The squad come together

One summer someone suggested we drift down to Henley Regatta.
This was maybe 1974, and we were only slumming it in the Barn (RIP), but it was truly the dog’s whats-its.
I was hooked, I wanted some of this.
What really sealed the ambition though was the final of the 1976 Thames Cup, when Henley RC went down in glorious defeat to Harvard by a few feet. That was it; I was going there!
I wanted to cruise up the sun dappled course, a couple of lengths to the good, to receive polite applause from an enraptured crowd, and admiring glances from the local nubility.
First thing, find a crew; simple enough.
Birminghamwas then in a golden period, with plenty of graduates coming to work there, with time to still carry on playing sport. Would I swap with any current 25 year old? I doubt it, if you have a job your life’s hardly your own, and I feel for the poor sods without work.
So, whilst plenty of the members were fit and capable, who had the single mindedness to go the whole hog?
Colin, Paul, and Roddy, that’s who!
Charles Atlas
I was tall and talented, Paul was tall, talented, and experienced, having been to Henley with UCL, and Colin was, well, tall. What we needed was a bowside steersman. Roddy was medium height, lean, fit as a butcher’s dog, and technically very good. There was just one small drawback, it was his severe myopia, wearing glasses (more like goggles) that fogged in the lightest rain, and seared his eyeballs in the sun. Without his glasses, there was distinct resemblance to Mr Magoo. Still, he was hewn of public school granite, he’d cope.
We only needed three more things for everything to come together, a boat, a qualifying win, and a coach.
We knew that we’d be rowing a coxed four at local regattas, but that we were way underweight to attempt it at Henley. So, we’d go coxless, simple. The only boat we could get our hands on belonged to BirminghamUniversity, and was made of five- ply, but it floated and went roughly straight.
Back in the 1970s one couldn’t enter the club level events at Henley without a win at a high status in the year before entry. Henley didn’t cater then for rowing riff raff. Numerous tries failed to get the win, but then came Ironbridge.
Great regatta, Ironbridge! A nice bendy course, plenty of scope for cheating, and the banks were head high in the sort of elephant grass that devoured umpires.
Senior A4s was the top event that year, and we had a straight final against the old enemy, Stourport, surely we couldn’t cock this up?
We didn’t.
Charles Hawtrey
Off the start like a rocket, and then lean into Stourport on their bend to minimise their advantage. We held them with blades interlocking, but thankfully not clashing, with all the usual Anglo-Saxon pleasantries exchanged. Then it was our bend, whip the rudder over, and cruise home a length to the good, top crew of the day!
Now we needed a coach to take us to the next level.
We found Dave.
Dave was a sculler, one of the gun slingers of the sport. He was mean, moody, and a loner. He was a fitness fanatic.
Winter training in the week consisted of impossible weights sessions mixed with mile after mile of pounding Handsworth’s dark streets. Rowing at weekends was a never ending sequence around Edgbaston Resevoir. Lacking the imagination to change direction, we ended the winter with a strokeside built like Charles Atlas, and a bowside like Charles Hawtrey.
Summer wasn’t any easier. Dave was dedicated to interval training, the endless repetition of short intense pieces of work, separated by shorter rest periods. Dave however, regarded the rest periods as an effeminate irrelevance.
To be continued.
* John Fazakerley was actually better than useless and one of the stalwarts of the Birminghamrowing scene. Still rowing for Bewdley at 62, with Paul Warnett, and won gold at the 2009 national veteran championships in a coxless 4 with two of the Stourport crew.

GVA KO DWF – QED

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Batters run amok in cricket tourney

Far from a grim day for GVAGrimley in the Warwickshire Taverners Trophy, sponsored by Investec Wealth & Investment.
The property firm, just GVAthese days, presumably in a bid to lighten their image, put too many runs on the board for DWF to chase with Liam McKenna and Tom Prince both reaching their retirement scores.
Accountants KMPG put the red pencil through the total of lawyers Gateley and reached their victory target in only half of their allotted overs – clients take note of such speedy delivery!
Shakespeares and Clement Keys fell victim to the weather.
The latter will be looking to pick up another win that may put them in with a shout of making the semi finals.
It still looks like lawyers DAC Beachcroft will have the unusual advantage of most of the other fixtures being competed so knowing what they will need to make the semi finals. This due to a very unlucky run of rain showers. Brolly good luck to them.
Phoenix Group have won three from three so far and play their last fixture against winless Gateley on July 11. A victory will see them top Group A and take one slot. The other two groups are wide open with the top spots still up for grabs along with the leading runner up from groups A and B.
Almost as complicated as Duckworth Lewis!
Warwickshire Taverners Trophy Week 9
Tuesday June 25 – GVAGrimley 160 for 4 in 16 overs (Liam McKenna 35 not out, Tom Prince 35) beat DWF 131 for 8 in 16 overs by 29 runs.
Wednesday June 26 – KMPG 105 for 3 (Ishaq 37 not out, Matharu 27 not out) in 8 overs beat Gateley 104 for 8 in 16 overs (Richards 30 not out, Detko 2/16) by 7 wickets.
Thursday June 27 – Shakespeares v Clement Keys. Match postponed due to weather.

MOSELEY’S BALDRICK MOMENT

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Construct dastardly and fiendish weapon

Moseley rugby club has a cunning plan to skittle the opposition this coming season.
They’ve built themselves a skittle alley.
And appropriately the first beer and skittles night is on Saturday after the final Lions Test showdown in Australia.
Either an opportunity to drown your sorrows and take it out on the skittles or a chance to continue victory celebrations, probably unable to focus on the skittles.
The masterpiece of carpentry is the work of Moseley stalwart MikeCaves.
And a masterpiece it is – beautiful even.
The skittles themselves are marvellous.
And all for about £250.
Nothing like a bit of DIY.
The event bowls off at 7.30pm in the Billesley Common clubhouse; tickets cost £8 including buffet.
All being put on by the supporters association of which Mike is an officer.
Diminutive MSA supremo Neil Marklew, little bigger than a skittle himself, tells me there is still time for Baldricks to sign up but only if you get your skittles in a row quickly.

THE ALTERNATIVE LIONS TOUR REPORT

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Busman’s holiday for Raymer

The mild and always polite Paul Raymer sitting in a bar in Oz cheering on the Lions and bantering with the convicts – it is hard to imagine.
But the Birmingham Post hockey correspondent is taking a busman's holiday in Australia… and nothing really to do with rugby.
Got to be that sport with the stick things.
In fact watching his grandson Jack playing.
Jack represented Gold Coast in the SunshineCoast under-13 boys state hockey championships in Queensland.
And, hitting deadlines as usual, here is the Raymer copy.
“Jack, whose ambition is to play for Australia, scored five goals for his side to help them to fifth place in the tournament.
“He got his first experience of the sport as a nipper when his grandfather took him to the national indoor championships at the NIA in Birmingham and bought him a small hockey stick.
“I'm very proud of him and maybe one day I might have the pleasure of seeing him play on the international scene, and if it is against England I'll find it difficult not to be biased in Australia's favour.”
But that certainly hasn’t been the case with the Lions tour.
Jack in action
Paul tells me: “Saw the first two matches against the Wallabies with my Aussie son-in-law Greg. No qualms about cheering for the Lions.
“Last Saturday sat in Lions garb watching the second match in the Woodchopper's Inn in Mudgeeraba, 80 kms south of Brisbane, I found myself cheering in a bar where the Poms outnumbered the Aussies.
“However, now having to endure some gentle ribbing from son-in-law following the Lions narrow defeat. And 24 hours later news from back home that the Aussie women had beaten England3-0 in the final of the Investec World Hockey League at Chiswick.”
Honour could be restored this Saturday if the Lions fight back to win in Sydney.
Come on, the Lions.

THE ALTERNATIVE LIONS TOUR REPORT

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Impersonating Halfpenny
Dodgy ticket scam pays off

Much moaning and grumbling – I thought that’s what Aussies did – from Lions tourists.
Son and heir Jonathan, travelling with fellow Moseley Oak player Mike Twining, complains of paying Aus $27 (£17) for two Heinekens.
Something which is confirmed by Moseley stalwart James Jowett – just back after taking in the first two Tests while travelling around in a camper van with sons Spencer and Ben.
He tells me: “Wallet and body exhausted although with beer at anything between Aus $7-12 (£5-8) for not even a pint measure it was very difficult to get inebriated without a second mortgage – now I know why they call it the land of plenty!
“The prices are awful and the beer is absolutely dreadful.”
Oh dear.
But, canny Brummies, Johnny and Mike, got the better of the ticket touts.
The lad reports: “Bought tickets for Melbourne through an internet company but they didn’t turn up.
“We had to use Gumtree (apparently some sort of ad site – for a moment I thought he'd gone native and was already talking Australian) and meet a dodgy cockney to buy tickets outside a pub. But it all worked out and we made money as they were cheaper and got a refund on the others.”
That’s my boy!
Jowett-JPR: Lions in South Africa
Even managed to do a spot of tourism.
“Went up EurekaTower, saw the MCG, Melbourne Aquarium, went to the jail where Ned Kelly met his end – only closed in 92 and you could still smell the piss.”
Thank you Jonathan; too much information.
Now in Sydneyand still bitching despite a posh hotel. “Went to the hotel bar but they only serve you if you wear a shirt.”
Bloody hell – are they going around naked or something?
No word on the local Sheilas despite prompting from John James suggesting the reports would be improved by a bit of sex.
Yes, thanks JJ. 
Still, all seem to be having a terrific time.
Even if, for some convicts, union is a bit of a mystery in comparison with both the more popular League and Aussie Rules.
“Half of Melbournedidn’t seem to know the Test was on,” mutters Jowett.
Scam of his trip was arriving in Canberra for the Brumbies game.
The troops decided to have a bit of a tour round and ended up in front of the Parliament building where a protest demo happened to be going on.
A police motorcyclist races to intercept and the Jowetts expect to be told to push off pronto … or worse.
Instead the guy advises them on the best parking spot.
Can they stay the night?
Says the cop: “Well, you’re not supposed to … but do I look as if I’m bothered?”
So they do.
“We were playing touch rugby on the grass outside the Parliament building at 4.30 in the morning – the UK equivalent would be Parliament Squareand I don’t fancy our chances of managing that!”
Yep, the locals can be pretty laid back.

NUDITY FLOWERING IN MOSELEY

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Lou and Chris
Business executive turning the railways green

I have discovered that Lou Jones, chief executive of C3 Consulting in Birmingham, is something of an urban guerrilla.
As Network Rail have discovered to their cost.
Especially when she threatened them with a nude protest!
Phew! Pass the smelling salts, vicar.
But no need to call out MI5 – being in her company may at times be a touch ‘dangerous’ but there’s nothing unlawful going on.
Well nothing much.
Because she is into guerrilla gardening – defined as gardening on land that gardeners do not have legal right to use, often an abandoned site or area not cared for by anyone.
Specifically the rail embankment beside the Moseley home she shares with her husband, former commercial property guru, Chris Monk.
Her showdown with Network Rail began some while back when she decided that the overgrown and rubbish strewn embankment needed attention.
And attention it got.
Lou is a determined lady when she sets her mind to something.
At the instigation of the girl, the thing was knocked into shape – flowers and bulbs planted, five skips full of rubbish carted away, broken fencing replaced, even ‘bee hotels’ erected.
Much to Network Rail’s irritation despite all the improvements.
She said: “We cut their padlock off the entrance gate and put our own on. They came along, cut it off, and replaced it. We cut theirs off … and this went on for several years.
“Until finally they threatened to do me for trespass and come along with a digger and remove everything we had done to make the embankment look nice.
“So I told them I would meet them there stark naked and invite all and sundry along to witness the confrontation.”
The bare faced cheek of it!
Meanwhile it is flower judging time … and not a digger or a nude in sight.
Britainin Bloom again; come on judges it has got to be a winner.
PS: Moseley is not for nothing known as Birmingham’s most cosmopolitan village suburb. Chris was sent out for the milk the other Saturday and there walking in the opposite direction was the local pet shop owner with a live snake draped round his neck. Moseley being Moseley nobody batted an eyelid!

SELLING BIRMINGHAM

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AV Birmingham
How to transform this city for the better – Rant

So, how do you market Birminghamas a city and pull in loads of tourists?
Especially when you only have peanuts to spend.
Actually, it is not hard – if we had any bottle to take risks … which sadly we don’t.
This is how I would get Birmingham talked about – a buzzing city reinventing itself.
First, we get behind Glyn Pitchford and Birmingham Civic Society and their plans for public art.
Recreating the Italian Job by putting old Minis down the steps in front of the Council House would be stunning – an instant icon.
Beg some off BMW, or one of our many scrapyards. They don’t have to be in working order.
And could be done at a cost of virtually nothing.
Persuade Sir Michael Caine to open it.
Next, we must get the name Birmingham into the titles of our leading sporting clubs – at the moment we are wasting a huge promotional trick.
And top of the list has to be Aston Villa.
It is rumoured that even top scorer Christian Benteke thought it was a London club when he signed from Genk in Belgium.
I suggest AV Birmingham.
That keeps the historical link but has the Birmingham name to the fore.
Yes, there will be an outcry but I guarantee that within six months of the change 98 per cent of supporters will be OK with it. And, I believe, it would allow the club to be more commercially successful.
Offer Villa a £50,000 promotional grant towards it all.
Onwards and upwards …
We must make our assets sweat much harder.
Italian Job
In particular we have got to get tourists from abroad, especially America but also the Far East, to view Birminghamas a must-see visitor destination.
What will they have heard of already? They will have heard of Shakespeare, Tolkien and the film industry.
The film industry?
Yes, Brummie inventor Alexander Parkes discovered the first viable plastic or as he called it eponymously 'Parkesine' which pre-dates all other plastics like Bakelite. This led directly to the invention of celluloid and the creation of film and the film industry.
So, we in Birminghamcan claim ownership to the origins of the film industry.
We create an interactive museum to film – the council hand over and agree to maintain one of their redundant buildings, we persuade volunteers from our film and media world to fit it out for nothing and we put some bright kid in charge and incentivise him/her to make money and pull in people.
Grant of £25,000 towards getting it off the ground.
Tolkien – our offer is nowhere near good enough.
We missed the boat on the films but we could still make the whole thing huge.
Shakespeare International
Our marketing failure was recently summed up in an interesting Daily Telegraph piece about Tolkien’s connections with Birminghamand Oxford. How could it be, asked the author, that Auckland, where the Tolkien films were made but which has nothing to do with either the great man or his literature, is more associated with the works than we are?
He notes: “You get no immediate sense of Tolkien as you drive through Hall Green today – unless you count the Hungry Hobbit café, which, Brummie taxi drivers wolfing bacon and eggs apart, could be in Auckland.”
Get the proposed Ent statue up in Moseley. Grant of £30,000.
Where are the tourist signs that say Welcome To Middle-earth?
Why isn’t there an inter-active exhibition and museum opposite Sarehole Mill? The council could make the land available for nothing and get the private sector to build and run it.
And finally Shakespeare and my decade long campaign to get BirminghamAirport re-named Shakespeare International.
This should be a no-brainer.
Birmingham is supposed to be the airport for all the West Midlands and in American terms Stratford-upon-Avonis a suburb of our city.
Scores of airports now have names – Kennedy, O’Hare, Charles De Gaulle, Leonardo da Vinci, George Best, John Lennon … it goes on and on and on.
Shakespeare is possibly the best known world name after God.
The idea is to persuade tourists to come into Birmingham – do Tolkien, our new film museum, Shakespeare and Stratford, Blenheim Palace, Churchill’s Grave … and then on to London. Or vice versa.
We already have wonderful, beautiful Jaguar Land Rover cars being made in Birmingham, plus historic products like Titanic whistles.
Parkes
Former council employee and ex-Locate in Birmingham man Keith Bracey wants a huge pen nib – we invented them – atop the BT Tower. A bit whacky even for me but an interesting idea which has provoked debate. I fear it would either be too costly or technologically impossible.
But certainly push Birminghamas the birthplace of the Spitfire plane. All there is at the moment is the magnificent Spitfire statue. £30,000 grant.
Birthplace too of lawn tennis … though nobody would know.
We have a terrific new railway station about to open, an airport runway extension, and the prospect of HS2.
Now all you need is a couple of great new bands to come out of Birmingham– why aren’t we producing them, young people out there?
After all that you end up with a progressive, super cool Birmingham which everybody would be talking about, wanting a piece of, and pulling in jobs because employers would be so keen to be part of such an exciting and vibrant scene.
And it has cost very little to achieve.

RETURN OF THE WILD BUNCH

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Bell
Birminghammedia gang make pub comeback

Yes, they’re back, the infamous Friday afternoon gang … even if it was a Monday.
John Lamb, Birmingham Chamber spin doctor and, in a former life, legendary hack, Tony Bell, ex of the Chamber, John Duckers, once of the Birmingham Post, Phil Parkin, PR mouthpiece and Jon Griffin, still a proud Birmingham newspaperman.
No show from Roger Monkman, also ex Chamber and Coventry Telegraph, now the Rupert Murdoch of Balsall Common, who clearly found the Brickies Arms too welcoming; and no show either from retired Birmingham Post business editor and Press Club stalwart Fred Bromwich.
At least he had an excuse – bees in the attic (or was it wasps?) meant he was unable to join the ‘bats in the belfry’.
Actually the Shakespeare pub in central Birmingham.
Shakespeare could not have been more erudite himself.
As always we put the world to rights.
Lamb
Bellwas on the Cilla Blacks; well it sounded like that. Something called Stella Black … strong indeed.
The plot is to have regular monthly reunions to reprise wonderful end of working week sessions of ten years and more back where all sorts of gossip and tall stories were told in the environs of the Old Joint Stock, moving on later to the Old Royal.
Possibly on Thursdays; Bellhas been appointed organiser.
Talk too of putting a band together – Lamb is a master on the ivories and Bellclaims he can wow them with his vocals.
Duckers junior plays a mean guitar.
Only requires ITV Central’s Mark Gough to bring along his ‘Beachboys’ surfing band and off we go.
OK, perhaps a little ambitious, but age is no barrier to thinking big.
Onwards and upwards.

TOASTING A LIONS VICTORY

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Local spiders more deadly than Aussie pack

Hugging complete strangers as the tries went in … being served drinks by bikini-clad barmaids … getting a dodgy photo with Rolf Harris in Madam Tussauds – this was life with the Lions.
Son and heir not giving away much on his return about the local Sheilas – apparently too much male competition around.
Clearly, the girls never had it so good!
And, of course, the Lions won.
Hurrah.
It seems that in Sydneythe local spiders were more dangerous than Aussie forwards.
The troops – Duckers jun and lawyer pal Mike Twining – stayed for three days with former Selly Oak, now Moseley Oak, rugger captain Simon Guest.
Who promptly put the frighteners on them by telling them about deadly Huntsman spiders.
“There were tales of them around the house, in his workbook and how he froze as a kid when he woke to find one walking across his head.
“The first night I was so scared I hardly slept a wink.”
I shall have to go back to playing Incy Wincy Spider from when he was a baby!
But it seems Jonathan was a hit with Guest’s two year old son.
“I was playing Duplo with him and took all this crap from the others that I was enjoying it more than the little lad.”
Man of the Match Halfpenny
I have to report also that the pair’s dining habits leave something to be desired.
There was JD trying to tackle crab when, seeking to smash into a particularly solid claw, he managed to send it arcing over tables across the other side of the restaurant.
Thankfully there was hardly anyone else in at the time so nobody got speared.
As for the game itself …
“The tickets we had meant we were all separated so I was surrounded by people I didn’t know. Not that it mattered because as the tries went in no matter we were strangers we were hugging each other like long lost brothers.”
And a hooker’s take on the game. “I reckoned at the outset the selection was bang on. Once we stuffed them in the scrums, backed by a referee who actually knew how to referee the scrum, it was game over.”
Not sure about that but it was certainly conclusive in the end.
Bring on the All Blacks in four years time.

DALYING IN THE SUNSHINE

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CPBigwood’s brave effort falls short

Not even a fine knock of 29 not out from CPBigwood senior partner Rory Daly could save the property agents from a third defeat in the Warwickshire Taverners Trophy, sponsored by Investec Wealth & Investment.
Well, they did only turn up with nine men!
DTZ posted an amazing 196 for 6 with their rivals notching a respectable 144 for 8, losing by 52 runs.
Black Country import James Ironmonger clubbed 22, Jonnie Forrest took three wickets, while Jack O’Dell scored his first runs, took his first wicket and also held on to his first catch.
All to no avail.
Andy Boyde managed 62 for DTZ – supposedly impossible but seemingly permissible under the quirky rules of the competition!
GVA meanwhile also came close to the 200 mark as DAC Beachcroft had sand kicked into their eyes.
After being rained off for weeks it was not a happy start for the latter.
My man, showing unusual generosity, reveals: “The bowling could be described as a mixed bag with the balls that pitched being sent to all parts of the ground.”
Mind you, one poor GVAman took one for the team off the bowling of Lloyd Smith.
“It was unfortunately rather too accurate for the batsman who soon realised that not wearing a box was a rather painful mistake.”
Not the best form of contraception!
GVA’s star was Mubashar Riaz who bashed the bowling all round Britannic Park.
“He reached his retirement with a huge six into the (posh) houses which narrowly missed a shiny new Audi. His work for the evening was not done there either as he came on to bowl one over of testing spin which saw him return figures of 3/1. GVA marched home by a massive margin of 148 runs with the lawyers back to the drawing board.”
"I've never seen such rubbish"
Oh dear – better pray for more rain, me thinks.
Still the nuances of tournament efficiency can even beat the weather.
My man slapping on the Factor 50 continues: “The return of the sunshine has seen the backlog of fixtures begin to clear but the lack of any umpires, tea or opposition for the Mainstay Group ensured that even when the sun is shining it is not always possible to get a game of cricket in. A missing letter in an email was suspected to be to blame for the mix up.”
New technology! You can’t trust it.
Report
Tuesday July 2 – DTZ 196 for 6 in 16 overs (Andy Boyde 62, Joe Williams 35, Forrest 3/17) beat CPBigwood 144 all out in 15 overs (Rory Daly 29 not out) by 52 runs.
Wednesday July 3 – Mainstay Group v PWC. Match re-arranged.
Thursday July 4 – GVA192 for 6 in 16 overs (Liam McKenna 37 not out, Mubbashar Riaz 39 retired) beat DAC Beachcroft 44 all out in 7 overs (Riaz 3/1) by 148 runs.

THE DIARY OF A ROWING NOBODY

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Sex and the single sculler

I suppose the result was inevitable.
I drifted into work one morning to be greeted by the receptionist.
“Graham wants to see you.”
Graham was the staff partner; our paths rarely crossed.
He was 5 ft 10 inches of square jawed, thick necked, barrel-chested, bow legged 1st XV hooker for an eminent local side. He was not the very model of a modern HR manager.
I breezed in. “Morning, Graham, how are you?”
He was looking a bit grim.
“Sit!”
A polite précis of a very one sided conversation would be along the lines of “look chum (any four letter word beginning with the letter C denoting friendship would have done), you’re not turning up for work with your usual vim and vigour, if you have a problem with substance abuse, the partners will happily help you sort it out, in your own time and at your own expense of course”.
The speed with which my jaw hit the floor would have done justice to a Tom & Jerry cartoon.
Did he really think that my carefully crafted balance sheets for his Black Country metal bashers were the work of a complete dope head? Evidently yes.
I managed as best I could to explain the Henleyambition, the training, Dave, etc. Suddenly his hard man façade lifted, he was round the desk in a shot, he broke into a grin and was shaking my hand. I might be a temporarily useless accountant, but at least I was One of Us, not One of Them.
I could have added that one of his precious secretaries was not exactly an innocent bystander in my physical downfall.
By day a paragon of prim propriety, by night she was a tigress on the prowl.
I would get home from training, via the pub and curry shop (even then we were conscious of the importance of a correct diet), and retire to bed, teeth brushed. I’d lie in bed staring wide eyed into the darkness in delicious anticipation, waiting for that slow ominous knock at the door. We oarsmen have masochistic tendencies that can be satisfied both on and off the water.
Diet
During my travels in the Dark ContinentI’d met cannibals who were less man hungry than her.
Of course, I didn’t tell Graham. Firstly it would have been the action of a cad, and secondly she might have stopped coming round.
It was the 1970s though, and it was a pretty virile sort of firm.
One lad had been caught with the receptionist in the lift at the Christmas party, in delicto flagrante.
Forever after he was known as Otis.
To be continued.
* John Fazakerley was actually better than useless and one of the stalwarts of the Birminghamrowing scene. Still rowing for Bewdley at 62, with Paul Warnett, and won gold at the 2009 national veteran championships in a coxless 4 with two of the Stourport crew.

JOHN JAMES RAVISHED

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Payback time for womankind

Birminghamlothario John James has suffered the IT equivalent of being savagely raped.
Tempting to joke that some spurned babe is bent on revenge … but that would be far too cruel.
Had his email hacked.
Scammed good and proper.
Nightmare.
So just about everyone on his mailing list has now received the usual ‘begging letter’.
Which reads: “Hope you get this on time, I made a trip to Manila (Philippines) and had my bag stolen from me with my passport and personal effects therein.
“The embassy has just issued me a temporary passport but I have to pay for a ticket.
“I have made contact with my bank but it would take me 3-5 working days to access funds in my account. The bad news is my flight will be leaving very soon but I am having problems settling the hotel bill and the manager won't let me leave until I do so.
“I need your help/loan and I promise to make the refund once I get back home. You are my last resort and hope. Please let me know if I can count on you. Please reply back so that I can give you the necessary details you will need to get the cash to me via Western Unionmoney transfer.”
Compensations
Actually a bit more disjointed than that and with the usual appalling grammar and lack of capital letters – though probably little different from how teenage Twitter oiks communicate here in the UK.
Anyway, JJ, who had actually gone no further than London, got scores of calls and texts from concerned pals.
“I never knew I was so popular,” he quips (neither did we). “I am now booking my flight to Manilaso I can pick up all this money!”
Surprisingly very few women have responded and no old flames so far – sparing even more embarrassment.
Meanwhile the Birminghambusiness community has had a vote and it has been decided to leave him ‘in the Philippines’.
Albeit, sadly, given the preponderance of women over men in that country, I fear he might enjoy himself far too much!

PEP UP FOR MEYNELL DRINKERS

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Locals lucky to be alive

Warren Bailey, new owner of legendary Staffordshire watering hole the Meynell Ingram Arms, is set to put a zip in the step of the slow moving locals – he runs a vitamin business.
And it seems he has just saved them from a bad case of the runs … or worse.
My mole, frantically guzzling the tablets, tells me: “Apparently the new proprietor is the owner of Zipvit in Rugeley – they sell vitamins and the like to neurotic people who read the Sunday Times magazines.”
A touch harsh – a wide range including leading sports figures, particularly pro cyclists, use them.
My second mole confirms: “All I know is that Warren and Veronica Bailey are listed as directors of Zipvit so we assume they are the owners of the pub.”
Indeed duckersanddiving can reveal that Mr Bailey has taken over The Meynell which is currently closed for refurbishment.
A re-opening in August is scheduled.
The web site is promising a fine dining restaurant and smart bar with 'informal dining' area.
Quite how this is going to go down with the clientele of largely rustic Pedigree-drinking types is not at all clear.
Mr Bailey promises: “The new owners have a passion to retain what is considered a very important building and establishment which is recognised as having served the local rural community for a long and historic period of time.”
But he cautions: “It is important that the new business is successful to avoid any further closure and whilst encouraging a warm welcome to the existing community, it will have to encourage new customers.”
At Hoar Cross, it dates back to the 17th century but was placed into administration in October last year.
Since when a catalogue of horrors have been uncovered.
And, given the state of the place, the locals are probably lucky not to have been poisoned or indeed buried alive.
A structural survey identified a severe case of woodworm plus alterations carried out without authorisation.
“Furthermore the very poor standard of workmanship has resulted in a deterioration of the stability of the structure which is now showing in several areas and could have resulted in a collapse,” cautions a design and access statement.
“Poor housekeeping has also resulted in the foul drainage system being blocked, mainly by fat being disposed into it resulting in a huge build up and it has been common for floods to appear in the bar.
“There has been no maintenance at all and a build-up of rubbish in what was used as rear storage resulted in an infestation of vermin. The risk of decease (I think they meant disease or maybe they really did mean decease) – was considered as high.”
The report goes on: “The existing first floor accommodation could only be described as a health hazard and hovel.”
All is being improved.
Among the massive list of works being done are new toilets, an additional dining area, the existing kitchen to be totally replaced, complete rewiring, eradication of the woodworm, and many windows renewed.
Never mind muttering, methinks the locals should be grateful.
The pub is well known across the local area for the staging of the Downhill Soapbox Race, which raises money for various charities.
It has been visited on several occasions by Prince Charles and was awarded the title of Pub of the Year in 2004 and 2005 in the Taste of Staffordshire Awards.
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