Duckers and Diving

But Shakespeares put to the sword

The Phoenixhas landed … at Britannic Park, home to the Warwickshire Taverners Trophy sponsored by Investec Wealth & Investment.

And talk about koking a snook at the Bard.

The Phoenix Group made a statement of intent in this year’s tournament by hammering lawyers Shakespeares by ten wickets.

Darren Kok took 4 wickets for just six runs in his two overs as Shakespeares managed 68 all out with just 28 of those runs coming from the bat.

Phoenixmade light work of the total and reached their target in only 4.6 overs with Kok also in the runs.

Phoenix clearly have one eye on the net run rate and must hope that if the calculators come out again come semi final time that this victory has given their run rate a good boost.

CPBigwood and Wragge and Co faced each other in a tight contest that went down to the final ball. CP Bigwood took the match by one run.

Clement Keys set lawyers Gateley a competitive total of 136 which was enough to see them home by 13 runs despite the efforts of Gateley skipper James White who scored 36 before having to retire.

The rain made an unwelcome return to the tournament as lawyers DAC Beachcroft lost both of their opening fixtures to a combination of the weather and a deluge of property deals that ensured that GVA Grimley had to re-arrange. This much to the frustration of DACB skipper Jake Stacey who had both of teams lined up well in advance and in good order.

The special tick box email system will have to come out again when the dates are proposed for the re-arranged fixtures.

Warwickshire Taverners Trophy Week 4

Monday 20 May CPBigwood 131 for 7 in 16 overs (Rory Daly 20, J Reilly 2/15) beat Wragge and Co 130 for 5 in 16 overs (J Lavander 34) by 1 run.

Tuesday 21 May Clement Keys 136 for 7 in 16 overs beat Gateley 123 for 8 in 16 overs (James White 36*, Mark Cashmore 2/12) by 13 runs.

Wednesday 22 May Shakespeares 68 all out in 15.1 overs (Kok 4/6) lost to The Phoenix Group 69 for 0 in 4.6 overs (Acaster 33*) by 10 wickets.

John Nolan

Last call on BirminghamAirport debate

An exchange on the ongoing D&D debate about the state of Birmingham Airport – between myself and John Nolan, chairman of Birmingham-based structural and civil engineering consultancy Nolan Associates, who went round the world last year during his term as president of the Institution of Structural Engineers.

Nolan: I will do anything to avoid the time and cost of flying from Heathrow. I give my international business to KLM, Air France or Lufthansa out of Birminghamas spokes on their hubs. I can get a taxi to BirminghamAirportin half an hour for £16; if I get the train to Heathrow it is over £200 and more than that if I drive and park plus the cost of my time getting there and back and the additional time to cater for the inevitable M25 traffic jam.

How can Heathrow call itself a hub when you can’t get a connecting flight from Britain’s second city to it? The shuttles to the European hubs are usually full. Goodness knows the scale of the lost revenue from people like me who would fly British if we could do it from Birmingham

Duckers: I accept all.
My point is that Birmingham's European network is inadequate and its USoffering is pitiful.
There is no drop off, you are fleeced in short stay car parks; visitors from abroad have to find a one pound coin to use a trolley; last time I went through security it took 40 minutes, was like herding cattle and potentially dangerous with panicking people on last calls for flights; and its marketing is abysmal.
If it can't get Midlanders in sufficient numbers to fly from it how is it ever going to attract Londoners?
Nolan: I agree. It costs nothing to drop off at Heathrow. Birmingham’s drop off charge is a con wrapped up in the guise of security. Compared to almost everywhere, except the US, all our airports are rubbish. Security is akin to sexual assault by the near brain-dead and they all take every opportunity to rip you off.
I followed a pilot in uniform through security last year who was stopped with a bottle of fluid over 100ml. They explained that they had to take it off him because he might use it to make a bomb to blow up the plane.

He suggested that if he wanted to crash the aircraft he had more efficient means at his disposal. They didn't understand! It’s interesting to watch how often they pick on the grey haired for “spot check” touch ups even though they have successfully passed the metal detectors. To the best of my knowledge there has never been a grey haired suicide bomber!

The most surly security, Birmingham; friendliest Hong Kong. Worst immigration, Chicago; a two hour queue with a raucous woman constantly yelling instructions. Best, surprisingly, Birmingham, based on 27 flights in the last year.

Duckers: Not, they tell me, if you end up behind a flight from Indiaor Pakistanwhen clearing immigration is allegedly a nightmare.

Nolan: Highlight in my experience was a flight from Belfastwhen an extremely camp attendant announced that they wouldn't be serving nuts because there was someone on board with an extreme nut allergy and "would passengers please refrain from eating their own nuts"!

Airport security home in on Big Bad Bob

At the Ackrill wake, Central News’ Bob Warman was spilling the beans.

Seems he was off to Majorcarecently when airport security got ridiculously jumpy.

Beep, beep, beep.

Yes, but I’ve just had a new hip.

True.

Yes, of course sir, and he is eased into a side room and required to reveal his scars – I mean the hip one; not all the others!

And eventually they let the ‘criminal’ go.

Then we got reminiscing about the opening of restaurant Petit Blanc years ago.

Raymond Blanc and Richard Branson were in town … and seemingly every woman in Birminghamwas trying to grope them.

Never seen anything like it.

Also there was Terence Conran.

Urged by Warman to open up in Birmingham, he firmly refuted the offer.

“He insisted he would never do so until Brummies stopped regarding TGI Friday’s as haute cuisine!”

Ultimately, Conran was persuaded otherwise, Zinc launched … and as quickly failed.

Meanwhile, loose talk about the latest escapade of notorious babe magnet John James.

Seems he was in the villageof Long Crendon somewhere near Oxford but actually in Buckinghamshire where his daughter Harriet and her family live.

So he takes her out to the Churchill Arms for lunch and misses this step.

Now limping and, wait for it, somewhat stiff.

Saying goodbye to the businessman of fun

So the prankster is no more.

Rod Ackrill would have looked down from above at both the EdgbastonOldChurchservice and the wake at the next door golf club, desperate to take the mick out of 500 mates all together in one place and vulnerable to his practical jokes.

A really nice whacky guy.

Chum, Andy Lawton-Smith, hailed the ‘Lord Rod of Edgbaston’.

What everyone had to remember was his drive, compassion and sense of fun.

Rod ran construction and housing group Chase Midland and built a thousand homes.

But … prepared to take the knocks too.

And this guy was dangerous.

He would mislead people, telling them an event was black tie when it wasn’t or was fancy dress when it was black tie.

For example, the time the newly hired bloke and his lady arrived at this office function dressed to the eyeballs only to find everyone else in scruff attire.

Ho, ho, ho.

Taking pity on them, he suggested they went upstairs to change.

scallop fishing

They got back down 15 minutes later by which time everyone else had dashed off and returned in best bib and tucker.

Or the time Rod celebrated a land deal with a mate by cementing a 20ft flagpole into his front garden.

This was a man who liked to live on the edge, playing with fire by embracing newspaper types like me.

While working on the Birmingham Post, I wrote the infamous tease called the John Bright Column, which appeared every Saturday.

Andy noted: “For many years it was the only paper we had.

“It was about seeing which poor soul had been done this week. Who had been grassed up by Rod?”

OK, then, I admit it, he was one of my moles!

And then there was the time which was hilarious – I sort of witnessed it, if, through drink, I could remember properly.

It revolved around a box at the Test cricket at Edgbaston and ties sailing down to the ghastly mess of sweaty bodies below. When some female police inspector finally lost patience and marched in Rod assumed this was a piss-take and she was a stripogram.

Offering to reveal his particulars so long as she did first!

And so it went on and on and on.

But, for a moment, let us reflect on what a top businessman he was.

Born of humble beginnings in West Heath, he left school at 16 to join a bank.

He cracked on to become a fish products guru in the centre of England, an achievement which the Queen couldn’t quite work out when presenting him with an industry award.

There was a scallop boat which only fished for a week in three years after going aground, sank and, I think they said, I may have been laughing too much, caught fire.

Then launched the Chase building group.

One of the great entrepreneurs who always looked forward, never back. A man of integrity who nevertheless could be hard-nosed if required.

Chase was terrific, won him more awards, saw him as president of Birmingham Chamber.

Played loads of sports – ferocious around the tennis court.

I suspect liar dice, with late pal Dick Hickton, was a great love.

Supported Moseley RugbyClub.

There was a horse which ran in the Triumph Hurdle but failed to trouble the scorers at 66:1.

And hugely generous with his charitable contribution including the then Newspaper Press Fund, now the Journalists’ Charity.

I have missed out lots.

The Big C got him in the end at the age of 66; a brave four year fight.

He is survived by wife Gail and the children of two marriages, in no particular order, James, Mark, Paris, Albertine, Ben and Freddie.

* Outrageous that for the third time in recent years EdgbastonOldChurchhas just had lead stolen from the roof again. It refuses to give in. Please offer your donations.

Players left at the starting gate

Most footballers enjoy a day at the races …

And most like a flutter.

But it seems that the West Bromwichplayers have missed a trick.

The occasion was WBA’s recent end of season awards dinner where a silent auction was staged by Birmingham-based sports hospitality agency Eventmasters – the firm recently formed an associated business, The Silent Auction Events Company, to develop this side of the group.

The “star lot” was an un-named two-year-old colt complete with a package to include full training expenses, which it was thought might attract bids from some of the squad.

However the horse did not reach the minimum, so Eventmasters managing director Denise Sheasby, part owner of Cheltenham Gold Cup winner Imperial Commander, now coming to the end of his career, decided to keep it for herself as the trainer Stan Moore was convinced that the horse was the real deal.

Appropriately it was named “Tableforten” and now runs under the racing arm of Eventmasters – Eventmasters Racing.

Anyway, in its first two runs, Tableforten finished second at Doncaster and then won the 2.45 at Windsor – The Happy Birthday Paul Maiden Auction Stakes over six furlongs.

Happy Birthday Paul?

Only Paul Gascoigne, the former Englandmidfielder, who played for Newcastle, Tottenham, Lazio and Rangers.

He thought he was just having a day out until glancing at the race card – a surprise from his family to mark his 46^thbirthday.

And here is Paul, who amazingly had only been to the races once before, presenting the winning prize to Denise.

Asked if the winner was appropriately named given he’d booked a few Tables for 10 in his heyday, Gazza quipped: “I’ve fallen off a few tables!”

And, surrounded by friends and relations, including ex-wife Sheryl, he added: “I got here and saw the second race was called the Happy Birthday Paul stakes and thought that it was a coincidence.”

Yes, it really was for you, Paul.

Eventmasters, who bill themselves as ‘masters of the hospitality universe’, are currently gearing up to provide a host of punters with hospitality at Royal Ascot from June 18-22.

Imperial Commander

Tableforten may even run – having won a race he is entitled to enter.

“That would be a great thrill,” said Denise. “We’ve got high hopes for him – if he gets anywhere close to what Imperial Commander achieved then it would be wonderful.

“Either way I am sure we will have lots of fun.”

Eventmasters will be providing hospitality for more than 1,000 race-goers at Royal Ascot.

“It is always one of our major events of the year,” said Denise.

And quipped: “Got to be tables of ten for lunch!”

Just look what you’re missing, West Brom. It could have been a rare piece of silverwear!

Send the blighters back to Canada

I return to an on-going theme of mine – the need for a mass cull of Canadageese.

The things – now no better than vermin – are reaching plague proportions in Birminghamparks.

And, with the better weather, they are back breeding once more.

Sadly no-one seem interested in taking up their shotguns.

In my local park, Swanshurst, there is some wonderful wild life.

For the first time in my years of living locally we had some breeding swans last year. They produced four signets. One went within days, perhaps eaten by foxes. Another battled away but failed to thrive and it too was ultimately lost. But the two remaining became strapping birds and subsequently went their own way.

It was lovely to watch these family dramas … until some low life murdered one of the adults.

This year there have been none.

A pair did check the nest site out, performed a beautiful mating display, but ultimately went elsewhere.

There are occasional visits from herons – how nice it would be if they would set up home on a permanent basis.

A pair of grebes produces chicks most years.

And then we have the usual collection of ducks, coots, moor hen, crows, seagulls and squirrels.

All increasingly threatened by the out of control population of Canadageese.

They crap everywhere, turning the walk round Swanshurst lake into an open sewer at certain times of the year. The smell is offensive.

They can be aggressive.

Indeed I have watched them swarm round and bully young children foolish enough to feed them, occasionally giving the youngsters quite a fright.

My understanding of the position is that these geese are deemed wild birds and therefore protected.

I would argue they aren’t wild any more; they have no fear of humans.

And surely they can be dealt with under the voluminous amounts of health and safety and environmental legislation which exist.

They are a dangerous public health hazard.

We need some MP needs to take up the cudgels and introduce a Bill into the Commons to renounce the status of Canada geese as being wild when applied to public parks.

Then, once that happens, Birmingham City Council has to get brave, call in pest control, and exterminate 90 per cent of these disgusting creatures.

Naturally it won’t happen because the council wouldn’t have the bottle.

But that is what is needed.

Putting one over the Londonset!

That Lou Jones babe, of C3 Consulting, can still cut the mustard.

You pay attention when Lou’s around.

But also a whacky sense of humour.

So, there she is with husband Chris just back from Luxembourg and waiting for their suitcases at the carousel at London Heathrow.

Next to them happens to be this elderly couple, in their 70s or 80s, who are impeccably dressed.

And they get chatting … as you do.

The highly quaffed lady, wallowing in luxury, reveals she is soon headed for Budapest.

But our super darling has her measure.

Lou is off to Iceland.

Gosh, declares the coiffured one, full on Kensington blue rinse, to her new found friends, isn’t that fabulously glamorous.

Well, not quite.

The cheeky Lou meant her Iceland store in Kings Heath!

Chew on that, rich kid pensioners.

Moseley stalwart’s darkens cricket competition sky

Investec Wealth & Investment made a bonfire of the Mainstay Group’s Warwickshire Taverners Trophy victory hopes.

The firm, which sponsors the event, took the spoils on a delightful sunny evening contaminated by a blaze lit by groundsman, the legendary Alan ‘Tommo’ Thomas.

Tommo, who was probably sending smoke signals to his local hostelry telling them to set up a pint or three of Banks’ bitter, has form for these type of eventualities.

One year the ministrations of the Welsh wizard, a once fine winger for Moseley rugby club, managed to turn the pitch at former home, The Reddings, into a desert.

(The wags claim the SAS was sent to train on it prior to deployment in the Middle East.)

How typical it would have been had smoke delayed play, with players and umpires coughing and wheezing!

Despite the murk and some good bowling and fielding Investec reached 165 with a big contribution from Alex Reynolds and 32 from skipper Simon Long.

In reply Matt Bruce hit the ball to all parts of Moseley and reached his retirement in just four overs setting a good platform for Mainstay to push on.

The middle order though could not carry on the momentum, their lungs presumably shot to pieces.

And, despite a wag of the tail from a WG Grace lookalike, Mainstay could not keep Reynolds out of the game and he took three wickets for just 20 runs in his two overs.

Mainstay finished on 121 all out. Investec took the spoils by 44 runs.

Warwickshire Taverners Trophy Week 5

Monday June 3 2013 Investec 165 for 6 in 16 overs (Alex Reynolds 38 not out, Simon Long 32 not out) beat Mainstay Group 121 all out in 15.1 overs (Matt Bruce 37 not out, Richard West 2/11 and Alex Reynolds 3/20) by 44 runs.

Tablet

Tablet daily gets the thumbs up

Congratulations BirminghamPost – the new daily version for tablets is excellent.

If this is the salvation of newspapers then I am all for it.

You turn the pages like a newspaper and it is laid out like a newspaper.

The content is an interesting mix and the design is good.

Early days, but I think they can build on this.

It is fresh and modern, and it seems to know what it is trying to achieve which has not always been the case with the Birmingham Post.

The tablet format is purely business.

If you haven’t seen it, take a look.

I have to admit to a certain déjà vu as I probably spent a decade prior to leaving the paper five years back trying to persuade the powers that be to re-launch the Post, in print form in those days, as an unashamedly business publication albeit with quality sport at the back.

They never had the courage.

But times change, young people apparently don’t read conventional newspapers any more, circulation falls forced the Post weekly and now it has at last decided to bite the bullet.

OK, online, but that’s fine.

I could be hyper critical – the ‘watercooler’ chat feature loses me completely, some of the back-up national information seemed neither here nor there, but overall a launch of which the Post can be proud.

Most re-launches are failures; this looks to have got it right first time.

Ultimately it will be the younger generation which decides how successful the daily will be.

For all I know they might sneer at a newspaper format as old hat, overtaken by social media, Twitter et al.

Let’s hope not.

And it will be fascinating to see where the print weekly is headed and whether it can complement the newcomer yet at the same time plough its own furrow.

I have always found it a touch dysfunctional in that it meanders from business to news to features and back to business with a tiny bit of sport thrown in at the back.

I would like to see it thrive, but the package needs working on.

It has carried some decent semi-investigatory pieces, plenty of interesting stand-alones, but also too many bland features. It lacks consistency – strong one week; dull the next. I would like to see more opinionated analysis. It doesn’t sufficiently challenge the safety-first and unimaginative strategies of Birmingham’s ruling clique. Indeed, with the notable exception of the recent campaign to highlight the BBC’s disgraceful sidelining of the Midlands, there is nowhere near enough kicking of our many complacent public authorities, representative organisations and lobby groups. A vital part of being a great read is not being afraid to make waves and upset the arrogant and the average. Exposing mediocrity is the only way Birminghamwill improve.

We shall have to be patient; you can’t do everything at once.

The media industry will be studying this whole new approach closely to see if it can represent a way forward.

And if it can, then it will be hailed the length and breadth of the country.

The daily tablet is an innovative and brave initiative which deserves to take the name Birmingham Post into a new era and a vibrant future.

Am I over-egging the pudding?

Staff numbers are tight – can they sustain it? Time will tell.

And the service is only free for an initial few weeks before you have to pay, £9.99 a month. I think that has been pitched at the right level but they will have to be careful they don’t get greedy with subsequent mark-ups – kids of course expect everything for free so may see this as a second reason to shun the publication.

But I have signed up and stolen my tablet back from my son.

And, as one wag put it, the only tablets I thought Duckers had ever seen were the ones Moses brought down from the mountain!

Gascoigne was a distinguished writer

Keith Gascoigne, a leading Midlands journalist and public relations consultant for more than 50 years, has died in WarwickHospital, aged 86.

His funeral will be at LapworthChurchon Monday, June 10, at 12 noon.

The original Birmingham Post business editor.

In my experience a knowledgeable man, a very kind man, ready to offer sound advice and willing to help out where he could.

And someone who always enjoyed journalistic banter and fun.

Keith, a former chairman of Birmingham Press Club, started his career as a reporter/sub-editor on the Sheffield Telegraph in 1949. Five years later he joined the Daily Express as a sub-editor before joining The Birmingham Post in 1955.

He then switched to The Guardian as its Birmingham-based correspondent before returning to The Birmingham Post in 1963 as the paper’s first business editor, serving under editor David Hopkinson.

After leaving the Post in 1969, Keith became PR manager at IMI in Birmingham.

Later, he established his own PR company, GMA, and his clients included IMI, Society of Gas Industries, Edge Ellison and Hymatic. He retired in 1994.

Keith, who lived at Lapworth, twice served as chairman of Birmingham Press Club, once, in 1964 and again in 1979 after being a key player in saving the Club from the threat of extinction (one of the many times it has been threatened with extinction!). He was a director of the Press Club from 1977. He was also a former president of the Institute of Journalists.

Born in Sparkhill, Birmingham, he was educated at ColeshillGrammar School, where he began a lifelong interest in theatre, and read English at BirminghamUniversity. He volunteered for the Army in 1944, was commissioned into the Royal Warwickshire and served in Indiabefore being demobbed in 1948.

Paying tribute, Peter Saunders, a former editor of The Birmingham Post, said: “When I arrived at the Post in 1964 Keith was already ensconced as business editor and, I seem to recall, the sole member, of the business department – an empire that expanded rapidly.

“Despite the pressures of those years he always freely offered help and advice to even the lowliest sub-editor, dispensed with his particular brand of twinkling, Pickwickian charm. That help continued after he left the Post and moved on to IMIand then his own PR agency; always professional, always cheerful and always the best of company.”

Keith, whose wife Arun died in 1994, is survived by his three daughters, Caroline, Charlotte and Clare, and three grandchildren.

Business audience enthralled

Yorkshire’s greatest, Geoffrey Boycott, was in turns at his magnificent best and his irascible worst in Birminghamthis week.

Boycott doesn’t do politically correct and a 140-strong business audience attending a Karl Ward Sporting Lunch in Opus restaurant loved him for it.

He arrived at his prickliest.

Our Geoffrey, who was doing a double turn, was moaning that his driver had struggled to find his overnight hotel in the Cube. Why hadn’t Karl put him in his usual, the Marriot?

Where was the food? – To keep to time the tradition of the event is that the top table is served last. “Next time I’m going to have two breakfasts.”

Comedian, the very funny Barry Williams, who was master of ceremonies, muttered in an aside: “Most people say Geoffrey Boycott is a bit of a **** but it is only now I have met him that I know they are right!”

And he got his own back, telling the assembled throng: “When he was born the midwife took three days to get him out.”

But Boycott mellowed and produced some classic lines from deep into his own self-importance.

Questioner: “Were you a natural opening batsman or were you forced into it?”

Boycott: “I was forced into it because I was bloody good at it.”

Questioner: “Over the years who have you enjoyed commentating with the most?

Boycott: “Me.”

First subject was the great man’s ability to run out his partners … and it seems his whole running between wickets philosophy was as a result of the sage advice of his Uncle Algy.

“He told me – if there is a run out, one person is going to be very upset; make sure it’s not you.”

And who was the only one to run him out? It was “that bastard” Dennis Amiss – the Englandand Warwickshire legend did Boycott in a Test match against New Zealand. Amiss scored 138 not out, which, Boycott has always regarded as rightly ‘his’ runs.

There were tales about Michael Parkinson and Dickie Bird, both of whom he grew up with in Barnsley, and of once being pinned to the wall by Yorkshire and Englandcaptain Brian Close. “Ray Illingworth and Fred Trueman pulled him off.”

Parky

Trueman, like all of the very best, was a ‘nasty quick’.

He would march into opposition dressing rooms and intimidate young players. “He had talked the kids out before they even got in.”

Then there was a beauty about the late England wicketkeeper David Bairstow, whose son Jonny is in the current Test squad.

At 18, the cocky and bumptious David walked into the ground with this gorgeous bird – hair down, hot pants, high heels.

The next morning Close took time out from his pot of tea, fag and racing paper, to grill the youngster as to his relationship with this young lady.

“Purely sex, captain,” came the reply.

And who did Boycott rate as cricketers?

Frank Tyson was the fastest; the best batsman was Gary Sobers, better even than Viv Richards; while on a wet wicket Derek Underwood would outclass even Shane Warne.

But we’ll leave the last word to Williams. “All you lack, Geoffrey, is a little bit of confidence!”

Priceless.

Stop the enslavement of Birmingham households – Rant

I think we need an open competition – 20 things you can do with your new wheelie bin.

Naturally this is in anticipation of the ugly-looking ‘Daleks’ appearing on our streets as the city council insists on riding roughshod over all opposition to introduce the brutes.

Their arrival is supposedly something to do with saving the environment, but it is hardly aesthetic to the eye to have forests of the things parked outside properties like a procession of Easter Island statues.

I am told that wheelie bins burn well so expect them to be a serious weapon in the hands of rioters next time the inner city kicks off. Petrol bombs on wheels to target police lines, like fire ships aimed at the Spanish Armada.

Similarly, vandals will not be able to resist lumping them into local lakes – currently in SwanshurstPark lake there is a litter bin frame, a tractor tyre and a supermarket trolley, they hauled a dumped car out of it last time it was drained.

They will use the wheelie bins as convenient platforms to break into shops and houses.

And they will utilise them to transport their ill-gotten gains down the street.

Comeback?

Pissed up students will find them equally irresistible.

I can just see wheelie bin races down Selly Oak streets, one of our intelligentsia inside as the other runs for all his worth, WAGS cheering them on.

The BirminghamBinolympics.

Quite why the Government wants to give the council £29 million to introduce these monsters is beyond me. Complete rubbish.

I can understand that they might reduce the amount of waste on the streets as cats, foxes and windy days contrive to scatter the contents of black bags.

But think of the waste of money – the environmental cost of creating the plastic bins in the first place and the requirement for a new set of dustcarts.

There is the time factor – you can sling a load of black bags into the back of a wagon a darn site quicker that it takes to empty a wheelie bin.

And think of the fly tipping that is going to take place because of the council’s ludicrous decision to charge for the removal of green waste.

I have a convenient hedge nearby where I dump my Christmas tree every year – it all rots down. Very tempting to sling the grass clippings in the same place. Thousands of people are going to be thinking the same way.

So back to that competition …

So far the alternative uses we have are: offensive weapon, get-away vehicle, and student F1 racing car.

Given the care home charges, they could prove a good home for granny – regular meals (bit rotten) and lots of fresh air.

Artists like Tracey Emin will have a field day; Turner Prize here we come.

With the spiralling cost of funerals, wheelie bins could prove cheap coffins.

TV should produce a new modern version of Top Cat, complete with wheelie bins, and Officer Dibble hamstrung by health and safety guidelines.

Equestrians could find them useful as easily constructed fences.

Gardeners might turn them into giant plant pots, with trees and bushes growing out of them.

Ventriloquists could find Wheelie Bin the perfect dummy.

There you go – that’s ten already.

More suggestions to Wheelie bin Bore, The Politburo, Council MadHouse, Birmingham City Commune, B1N 1T.

Duckers-Bell ... another fine mess

Big Dunc nearly gets a man kiss

Apologies to the most surprised and appalled geezer in Birmingham.

There I was walking through the city centre to the Press Club monthly booze night with chum, Derek Inman – admittedly I’d had a few having started at the hugely amusing Karl Ward Sporting Lunch with Geoffrey Boycott.

And, there on the corner, along from Primitivo, phoning on his mobile, was none other than Duncan Tift, of the businessdesk.com, a former colleague on the Birmingham Post.

“Hi Duncan,” I jovially hail him. “Fancy meeting you here.”

Thrust my arms around him and lift him off his feet.

No mean feat (boom! boom!) as Big Dunc is at least 6ft 6in and built like the proverbial brick shit-house.

It was only when he gurgled down the phone ‘hold on, I’m being attacked by a complete stranger’ did it dawn on me it wasn’t Duncan at all!

I blurted out an apology, put him down … and fled.

Much to Inman’s amusement who, having screeched an 11^thhour alarm, was looking both smug and aghast in equal measure.

Personally, my shock is that, roaming the city centre, there is a body double of Tift, a unique human being if ever there was one and, you would have thought, impossible to replicate.

So yet another disastrous moment in the life of John Duckers.

Sorry mate, whoever you are and wherever you are.

PS: Thankfully Tift hadn’t quite arrived at the Old Joint Stock for the next embarrassing moment.

There is the usual gathering – David Bell, Neil Elkes, Tony Smith and a guest appearance from Phil Roocroft – when we smell burning.

Elkes (examining jacket): “It’s not me.”

No flames from Smith or Bell.

But the forensic Roocroft turns detective.

The OJS, a sort of Catholic drinking confessional, has these ‘tasteful’ and ‘romantic’ candles within brazen red glow-heaters on every table – on the hottest day of the year.

And, the dopey bloke in the next door window booth only had his paper resting on this girly totem.

Well singed, he just managed to shift position before the whole thing threatened to burst into flames.

Whereupon Belland I berate Roocroft – you’ve just denied us the Towering Inferno highlight of our journalistic careers!

I don’t know; you just can’t get the right arsonist.

Puts cricket tournament rivals in flap – shock

Phoenix Group are soaring ahead in the race to reach the Edgbaston final of the Warwickshire Taverners Trophy sponsored by Investec Wealth & Investment.

They made it two wins from two this week after unlocking Clement Keys.

Both teams turned up on time but sadly not the umpire.

He did eventually appear – heavy traffic in the Leicester area.

What, that old excuse again!

Once the cricket started the Phoenix opening bowlers kept things tight – apart from a massive straight six down the ground from Bayley off the bowling of Watkins. Clement Keys were restricted to 135 for 5 which was never likely to be enough given the powerful Phoenix Group batting line up.

Crass moment of the day was an attempt at a switch hit made during the Phoenixinnings which not surprisingly failed and saw Ahmed nearly adjudged lbw much to the amusement of his team mates watching on.

Darren Kok chipped in with 36 to see Phoenix home.

Beaten finalists KMPG got their tournament back on track by beating lawyers Shakespeares despite a brisk 40 from tournament heavyweight Chris Lloyd Smith. GVA meanwhile racked up 171 for 9 against CPBigwood but still only just got home by 7 runs with Black Country import James Mattin helping the latter to 164 in their 16 overs in a high scoring encounter.

Warwickshire Taverners Trophy Week 6

Tuesday June 4 Clement Keys 135 for 5 in 16 overs (Bayley 36, Nicholson 33) lost to Phoenix Group 136 for 2 in 13.7 overs (Kok 36, Knight 34) by 8 wickets

Wednesday June 5 Shakespeares 137 for 7 in 16 overs (Chris Lloyd Smith 40, James Boreham 2/7) lost to KPMG 142 for 4 in 12.5 overs (Waqar Ishaq 31) by 6 wickets

Monday June 10 GVA171 for 9 in 16 overs (Liam McKenna 38, James Gibson 38 not out) beat CP Bigwood 164 for 5 in 16 overs (James Mattin 35) by 7 runs.

Taylortakes to the BBQ

Tony Taylor tells me that he does occasionally eat meals other than too many business breakfasts.

On one of our few hot days of the year so far, possibly suffering from sunstroke, he foolishly decided to "do" a Barbie, forgetting that in 31 years of marriage this had rarely ended up without a row, as the meat was either cremated or raw or he was pissed from waiting five hours for the plates and salad to arrive.

Casting fate to the wind he set off – first, to look for the said barbecue, which had been sat in the shed for several years.

Duly found and assembled, next challenge was – where the hell was the charcoal and bbq tools?

Diligent searching revealed neither, so, in true Ray Mears style, Taylor found a load of dead wood which at least resembled charcoal – it was black – and got a fire going.

Twenty-five minutes of excellent smoke signalling smoke (where’s Tonto when you need him), sore eyes … the neighbours were surely cursing by now!

No amount of research turned up the tools so our hero resorts to those two funny pointy things that dear wife Elizabeth apparently uses to lift the turkey out of the roasting tray – no not those ones, stop being disgusting.

In the meantime our top chef sourced asparagus and sweet corn which he carefully wrapped in foil – celebrity cookery show entries here we come – and some good- looking steak and lamb, plus the rest of the lager supply and red wine, and two hours later (after 9 pm) he was pinching himself – all the booze and food consumed and there had not been a bad word between the two of them!

Gobsmacked!

Mind you, the boy was then ordered to shower as he smelled like a pair of Manx kippers.

Fortunately the lousy weather since has meant there has been no chance to repeat this dream sequence – so much for global warming!

And they lived happily ever after.

Goodnight children.

He's after you

Ex-Councillor turns happy snappy

How have the mighty fallen … one time Birmingham City Councillor Martin Mullaney has turned pub photographer.

Rumour has it that Mullaney has some deal with his local, the Prince of Wales in Moseley, to take pictures of all and sundry for the website.

What a surprise then when the blog turns out to be full of nubile babes posing for the new Lord Snowdon.

Phew! Pass the smelling salts, vicar.

Here are a couple of examples.

But it seems that the Mullaney ‘snaparazzi’ approach isn’t always appreciated.

Indeed, he is complaining at dissolute customers threatening to beat him up and pleading for police help to put a stop to such ‘hate crimes’.

He wimps and whinges: “As a Liberal Democrat Councillor from 2004 to 2012, I have had the following incidents against me in the last three years.

“I have been threatened three times with violence in my local pub by people claiming to support the BNPand further claiming that my party was supportive of immigration. On the third occasion, the person punched my friend in the face, since my friend said that he was a member of Friends of the Earth – the BNPsupporter said that he was a lorry driver and ‘you therefore had this coming to you’.”

Sounds reasonable to me.

Mullaney goes on: “I’ve been grabbed by the neck and throttled by someone in my local pub. When I wrestled myself free, all he said was ‘you’re a ****’. I subsequently discovered that he was a Labour Party supporter and was not happy with the formation of the Conservative-Lib Dem Coalition Government.”

Sounds reasonable to me.

“And then – again in my local pub – I have a gentleman, called Ralph, shouting out across the room that I was a “Liberal ****”. Then marching over and standing next to me, staring down at me as I was seated. I sat my ground and stared back him asking ‘can I help you sir’? He said ‘no’ and went back to his side of the room.”

Sounds reasonable to me.

And here is MM thrusting his camera into the face of another unfortunate.

I don't know ... should our girls have to put up with this sort of stuff?
I fear the wilder women's libbers could find it irresistible to mount a 'get Mullaney' mission.
But good to see that he is undeterred by his recent setback in the polls. The council chamber is not the same without him.
And Labour is in danger of getting a far too easy ride without the Mullaney vitriol pouring out in response to the loonier Left ideas, of which sadly there are far too many!

Meantime, please, somebody, anybody, report Mullaney immediately to Lord Leversen.

Tributes flow at Media Awards

Nice tribute at the Midland Media Awards to photographer Tony Flanagan who passed away earlier this year, with one of the awards renamed in his memory.

The Tony Flanagan News Photographer of the Year Award was presented by David Brookes, editor-in-chief, Trinity Mirror Midlands, to Anna Draper, of the Lincolnshire Echo.

The judges praised her “tremendous eye for pictures, combining technical ability with beautiful creativity”.

Flan would have loved it – he was always one to help out colleagues and advise youngsters making their way in the profession.

David said: “He was a great guy and great to work with – it was one of the saddest days of my life when I heard he had died.”

And David also read out a tribute from Andrew Pierce, a columnist and consultant editor for the Daily Mail, who had been a close friend of Flan’s for many years.

Andrew had planned to attend the Awards but was unable to do so because he was travelling abroad

His tribute read: “Tony Flanagan was simply one of the best photographers I ever had the privilege to work with. He was also one of the biggest drinkers I ever had the misfortune to go on a pub-crawl with! He was always the last man standing.

Griffin's summer holiday fund

“We first worked together on the Birmingham Post & Mail in Bromsgrove in 1984. We pursued dodgy criminals, bent councillors, and memorably tracked down a 73-year-old Bromsgrove man who had fathered triplets with his wife who was 40 years his junior. We flogged that one to the nationals for hundreds of pounds. And it was Tony of course who got the tip off in the first place.

“I had been a reporter for four years when I first worked with him. But in the 18 months I was on the Post & Mail I learnt more from Flan than I had done in my previous incarnation on the Gloucestershire Echo.

“He had the gift of the gab. A great eye for a photograph; he knew the headline and the intro on the copy long before I had worked it out. He was unfailingly patient with younger and more inexperienced reporters and snappers. He always made time to help them do their job better.

“He was also a past master at filling in an expenses form. In fact, no one did it better!

“He was also a wonderful and loyal friend who was bravely denying the extent of his illness right until the very end.

“Tony (a former director of the Press Club) was also a driving force behind the Midland Media Awards and a great champion of the local newspaper industry. He won many awards in his time but always modestly insisted that he never deserved them. ‘I'm not an artist,’ he used to say.

“Well, Flan was an artist, a true professional, a wonderful, colleague and a great friend. Winners of this prize will know that he is an incredibly hard act to follow. I'm delighted his name will live on through this prize for many years to come. I know Flan would be very humbled and very proud.”

Les Reid

The Lincolnshire Echo, Coventry Telegraph and Birmingham-based BPM Media shared the major Award honours at the event, which took place at the Holte Suite, Villa Park.

The Echo won the Newspaper of the Year and Campaign of the Year accolades, while Coventry’s Les Reid retained both of the awards he won in 2012 – Journalist of the Year and News Reporter (Daily) of the Year – with colleagues Martin Bagot and Cara Simpson collecting Scoop and Feature Writer, respectively.

Trinity Mirror-owned BPM Media took News Website of the Year, with Jon Griffin winning both Business Journalist and Columnist of the Year categories and Tim Easthope taking the award for News Photo of the Year – capturing the drama of a factory explosion.

The Awards, presented at a black-tie event attended by more than 250 guests, were sponsored by BirminghamAirport, with further support from Barclays Bank, BirminghamCityUniversity, BournvilleCollege, DraytonManorTheme Park, EastMidlandsAirportand StaffordshireUniversity.

Llew on wrong tack for media awards

Carry On Cruising, Llewela!

What a girl – supposed to be doing a double act with Bob Warman at the Midlands Media Awards, a sort of Sid James-Joan Sims combo, but didn’t quite make it back in time from the high seas.

Oh dear, a hoot, a wonderful person but a touch scatty!

It dawned on the troops on the morning of the function.

But, this is the Birmingham Press Club, darling.

What is great about the television sweeties is how they respond in a crisis, and everybody rallied round.

Marverine Cole was supposed to be doing the ‘voice-overs’ but was quickly slotted beside the urbane and never ruffled Lord Warman.

Pete Brookes, terrific journalist and one time Manchester United broadcaster, had to wake up big style and take over MC’s role.

What, barely a beer before 10 pm, diabolical.

Ticket to ride

Brookes said it straight: “Ms Bailey owes me a large gin and tonic!”

I rumble on via the horrific red socks of Duncan Tift from the businessdesk.com, and find myself confronted by ‘ladies man’ John James.

In the reception beforehand, JJ tells me: “I am on a fun table, Core Marketing; I aim to get very pissed, and then lay waste to any woman who is up for it.”

This is the sort of thrusting approach we need.

But, suddenly, shock, here is a wimp drinking orange juice – only multiple bevvy merchant Andy Coyne, of businessdesk.com.

A source reveals: “Coyne has a season ticket at the Villa, and goes down there with the wife’s dad, netting a few drinks in the process, which is more goals than the Villa usually manage.

“Hence he is off the juice for a month until June 21.”

Goodness me, I know a few drunks have January off but I’ve never heard of anyone taking to the wagon mid-summer. It must be heat stroke.

Never mind, I have something even crazier.

I find myself on the Jo Jeffries ‘Last of the Kerrang Radio’ table – it’s been converted to Planet Rock.

Great table – thanks Jo.

Karl Galloway, ex of Deutsche Bank, on one side resplendent in his Black Watch kilt.

And on the other old media chums Steve Dann and Arti Halai.

Halai there Lucy

So, smashing story, partners in PR operation Fleet Street Consulting, they are having some sort of away day in the capital to concentrate the mind, hiring a room in a pub, as you do.

There is Dann rallying the troops Churchillian-style when, getting a spot of lunchtime air, the window above, plus frame surrounds, spontaneously crashes to the pavement below.

Thankfully nobody killed or injured.

Some loud Londonna gave him grief though. Thought he was the proprietor. Well, utterly understandable, he’s got a landlord’s gift of the gab!

Moving on, desperate, I know, but our table cleared half the raffle prizes.

Adrian Hindmarsh wins tickets to Toulouse– parlez vous Hindo (hopefully not) – and Arti scoffs all the Holdens brewery booze as supplied by fellow table participant Lucy Holden.

The troops suggest Arti indulge in a beer bath – get them off, girl – but are rebuffed.

Well used to making a splash, she insists: “Only Champagne, darling.”

Phew, pass the smelling salts, vicar.

Sea Monster

Clive gets his bathing trunks on once more

That Clive Stone fellow is getting all excited.

You may not know it, but the Birmingham Botanical Gardens supremo is a Welshman.

Yes, it is unfortunate, I know … but somebody has to be.

And, being from Cardiff, he’s suddenly lost it big time.

Because CardiffCity have been promoted to the dizzy heights of the Premiership.

Hence, the fickle Stone has ditched the oval ball for the round one.

Promising to get behind the boyos when the new season kicks off in August.

Meantime Clive has been on his travels again.

Last year I was reporting on him swimming with sharks; now its turtles.

No, not Ninja Turtles.

And, no, not Newtown Baths … Florida.

One wonders what the turtles did to deserve such a fate.

Given the burly Stone’s water displacement there just ain’t enough ocean for the both of ‘em!

JJ girl-power film career flickers to a halt

That old card John James has lost his film producer’s card.

A sorry blow which seems sure to cramp his style with the nation’s ladies.

For several years now, our man has been a director of Intandem Films.

But they have had a big shake-up.

The Midlands’ only movie mogul, Gary Smith, has gone and JJ too has stepped down from the board.

Tragic – you could almost make a film about it.

Anyway, the one-time lawyer used to go about with a business card describing himself as a film producer.

Even though very sensibly they never let him remotely near a piece of celluloid.

A sort of consultant cum finance adviser, and with more penny shares than you could wallpaper a bedroom with, this apparently justified being credited as ‘executive producer’.

Very handy for meeting star struck maidens and wanna be actresses.

Naturally, the Cannes Film Festival was a happy hunting ground for our lothario – no more trips there, eh JJ?

And always impressed starlets ‘resting’ between parts – in other words barmaids.

Now working on new ‘opportunities’, the business executive around town is clearly still intent on ways to bring the bright lights into the eyes of today’s babes.

Indeed our man is nothing if not resourceful.

So watch this space.

I fear Hollywoodhasn’t seen the last of him yet!

LIKE A PHOENIX

MISSING OUT

HIP, HOP, WARMAN

FAREWELL ROD

WEST BROM MISS OUT ON RACE FOR SILVERWEAR

BIG ERIC’S COOKED GOOSE RANT

JONES THE LADY’S TRAVEL TIPS

GROUNDSMAN TOMMO’S PITCH BLACK PALL

BIRMINGHAM POST’S BRAVE NEW WORLD

DEATH OF FORMER PRESS CLUB CHAIRMAN

BOYCOTT KNOCKS THEM FOR SIX

FREE WHEELIE

TIFTING AT WINDMILLS!

PHOENIX GROUP SWOOPS ON CLEMENT KEYS

HOT STUFF

SMILE FOR MULLANEY

FLANAGAN REMEMBERED

AHOY THERE SAILOR

IN THE SOUP

BRINGING DOWN THE CURTAIN?