LORD TIM STRIKES A CHORD

January 11, 2015, 2:36 am

Basnett (right) in familiar alcoholic pose

Global economy playing all the right notes but not necessarily in the right order

Will 2015 be a year of Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” or Nat King Cole’s “Let’s Face the Music and Dance”?

I don’t think I have actually ever heard the fate of the world be compared with the music scene.

But there is always a first … so step forward Lord Tim Basnett, now retired but still dabbling in financial analysis after years on the Birmingham scene.

A veteran of many jobbing bands - pictured above in one.

He tells me: “I have always likened the world’s markets to a piece of music that, without all the various parts in harmony with each other, is clearly just a horrible mess and noise.

“The bass line, which should hold everything together and complete the score with its dominance, is the US dollar. It will continue to attract the lion’s share of foreign exchange activity during the course of the year whilst the other component parts find themselves either being rewritten or just decrescendo-ing and not being heard. That bass line will be prevalent as long as the US economy remains vibrant and strong.

“This year sees a General election in the UK with the result at this stage far from clear and very much in the hands of just how politicians manage themselves in the next three or four months with their promises of what they might do if elected into Government. In my musical score this will form the key part of the tune for UK markets and ultimately affect other parts of the song.

“Alto and tenor parts will be very much driven by what happens in the Eurozone markets and importantly the commodity markets, particularly oil prices. Early indications would point to this piece of music being a complete mish-mash of out of tune notes and missing and out-of-time sequences which will have to be tweaked before there is any resemblance of a song that will become embedded into one’s brain.”

Think Morecombe & Wise and the Andre Previn sketch.

And another line-up

Lord Tim goes on: “What is needed is a strong conductor to take control but sadly the world is lacking anybody that has the skill and prowess to achieve the harmony that is required so I feel that the scale of market activity will not be a semi-tonic ascendancy but more of an erratic arpeggio roller-coaster ride.”

Er, hit me with that one again, Tim, would you please?

But he continues: “Greece has again upset the applecart in the Eurozone markets and raising some serious questions about their economic rescue package with the Troika. The single currency still finds itself in a position where it is difficult to attract investors but in a more favourable position for Eurozone exporters.

“Mario Draghi and the ECB have a year ahead that will be far from easy as they try to find further measures to stimulate Europe. Meanwhile oil prices look set to fall further and inflict economic damage on those economies and Governments that have not prepared for a rainy day and remain purely reliant on ‘black gold’ for their survival.

“There may be trouble ahead.”

But not for Lord Tim surely if you run the lyrics on … ‘but while there's music and moonlight and love and romance, let's face the music and dance’.

The lad’s such a romantic!

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NOT ANOTHER AWARDS SCHEME!

January 11, 2015, 11:04 pm

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Press Club young talent search

Birmingham Press Club is to launch a new awards scheme to recognise the talent of the next-generation of journalists, photographers and broadcasters in the Midlands.

That is if there are any given the extent to which jobs across the industry are being axed.

I only half jest … because, for better or worse, many would say worse, the industry is changing rapidly.

Starter entry jobs are now paid an absolute pittance and senior journalists who would pass on their knowledge and experience are being thrown out because they are ‘too expensive’.

Exploitation is running riot.

Yes, the internet has made journalism so much more diverse and available to all.

But no-one has yet found out how to make money out of it.

The wider media expands just as newspapers decline, with the future very uncertain. Hence I feel for the new entrants still pouring into the professions, chasing the romance.

Anyway, the initiative, scheduled for the spring, is all about the Press Club’s 150th anniversary celebrations.

So we like that.

Press Club chairman Ed James said: “For well over a decade, the Midlands Media Awards has been an important part of the Club’s calendar, acknowledging the achievements of top journalists, broadcasters and photographers. Now we are pleased to be able to highlight the exciting blend of new talent that is emerging from journalism and media courses – talent that augurs well for the future of regional journalism.”

All a bit dubious given the number of media courses – full of esoteric drivel rather than practical hard-nosed graft – which are simply a short-cut to the dole queue.

On the other hand there are plenty of excellent ones.

Ed lays it on thick: “In the past, a Students and Newcomers category has always featured as part of the Midlands Media Awards. However, the time is now right for the Press Club to take a further step forward and create a special ‘Oscars’ event for the legions of talent now beginning to make their presence felt in what is becoming an increasingly diverse industry.”

Twelve categories, encompassing topics such as business, sport, entertainment, fashion, lifestyle and technology. Judging will be completed by early February. Full details of the Awards, which are being organised by Cloud 9 Events Management on behalf of the Press Club, are available by logging onto www.midlandsmediaawards.co.uk.

Senior editors have endorsed the project by offering internships to winners of the scheme’s twelve categories.

The inaugural Midlands Media Student Awards will take place in Birmingham in March

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SAVE CADBURY NOW

January 12, 2015, 11:04 pm

≫ Next: HAGRID’S WIZARD VISIT TO BRUM

≪ Previous: NOT ANOTHER AWARDS SCHEME!

Let’s all tell Mondelez they aren’t wanted – Rant

It’s time Birmingham ran US cowboys Mondelez out of town.

I am of course referring to the chocolate being changed on the outside of Cadbury Cream Eggs – the latest insult from an arrogant, culturally ignorant company which seemingly treats tradition, workers, customers, even the product, with contempt.

There were many warnings at the time of the £11.5 billion acquisition of Cadbury by Kraft, the world's second biggest food company, that the famous UK brand was doomed.

And indeed it is gradually being trashed by outrage after outrage.

The fatuous name Mondelez was born when the confectionery business of Kraft was split out into a separate company in 2012.

It has tinkered with recipes, packaging and relationships.

The Crème Egg scandal is just the latest affront.

There was the axing of chocolate coins, rounding the corners on Dairy Milk, putting Cadbury in Philadelphia cream cheese, dumping Bournville from tubs of Heroes, and axing Christmas chocolate gifts to pensioners.

Meanwhile last October Cadbury Bournville workers were sent impenetrable and obsequious letters telling them to 'change behaviour and attitude' or leave the business.

Hard to think of a more uncaring way of approaching change.

I say we need to get a campaign together and fight back.

From junk bond traders via vulture funds to Mondelez there are elements of American capitalism which are frankly obscene.

There is only one thing they respect, and that is money.

Cadbury, one of the great Victorian firms set up by Quakers, is defined by the sort of higher values groups like Mondelez utterly fail to comprehend.

It seems pretty clear that Mondelez views Cadbury as some sort of under-performing anachronism.

The distinctive taste is being defiled, the wonderful advertising campaigns have gone, and the brand is in grave danger of being turned into an ersatz version of itself.

Don’t get me wrong – the pre-takeover Cadbury management pretty much deserved their fate.

It was run like some sort of gentlemen’s club.

Ultimately they more or less gave Cadbury away with barely a fight.

But if we are to save Cadbury and all it stands for, an icon of Birmingham, then it must be wrested from these Barbarians from across the Pond.

I admit that I have not sat down and thought through this protest campaign but it needs to be widespread combining physical marches and protests, political lobbying, an on-line assault aimed at humiliating Mondelez, and concerted efforts to embarrass them in their American lair.

Probably one for others more closely associated to pick up.

Google Mondelez and you will see how much they are disliked from Pakistan to Philadelphia.

The object would be to make them dispose of Cadbury, repatriated from being a prisoner of the Yanks, and with its ownership back in Britain.

After all Cadbury transcends Mondelez which is just passing through as the current custodian – it will get bored of this troublesome English offshoot.

Enough is enough.

George Cadbury must be turning in his grave.

↧

HAGRID’S WIZARD VISIT TO BRUM

January 16, 2015, 1:24 am

≫ Next: TOASTING THE JOURNALIST CHARITY

≪ Previous: SAVE CADBURY NOW

Rugby star Bayfield to speak at sporting lunch

Get ready for some “tall” stories because Martin Bayfield is set to be the latest celebrity speaker at Karl Ward’s Sporting Luncheons.

That’s because at 6 ft 10 in, the former England rugby international and British Lion is unquestionably one of the biggest people on the after dinner circuit.

Also one of the most amusing, he will be at Opus in Birmingham city centre on successive Thursdays – March 5 is already sold out but a last few places are available on March 12.

He is a TV presenter and actor, and these days perhaps best known for being Robbie Coltrane’s body double as the giant Rubeus Hagrid in the Harry Potter films.

He gained 31 England caps between 1991 and 1996, winning two Grand Slams and playing in the 1995 World Cup.

In 1993, he was selected to represent the British Lions in New Zealand and played in all three Tests, and in 1995 he was voted RFU Player of the Year.

But it hasn’t always gone so well – a serious neck injury in 1998 ended the former policeman’s career.

He recalled: "I had an operation but had no choice but to retire. That was tough. The game had just gone professional and I had left my job in the police.
"It takes a while to readjust to real life – but I had three young children and had to find something to do."

That something has absolutely exploded.

Moving into broadcasting, he is a renowned rugby commentator but has done everything from The World's Strongest Man through to the BBC's Crimewatch programme plus an appearance in the New Tricks crime drama.
The Hagrid role came out of the blue.

"I was speaking at a lunch in London and someone from Warner Bros was there. He phoned me up the next day and asked if I would be interested in auditioning as Hagrid's body double. Here was this guy that I had never heard of calling me up and I gave him real abuse down the phone thinking it was a team-mate winding me up.

"But I went down to the studio and from there started strutting my stuff on the big screen. It was really good fun – not just because of meeting all these famous actors, but working with a lot of talented, dedicated people behind the scenes.

"Surprisingly rugby and acting are very similar in some aspects. I had been a policeman for ten years, I was a rugby player and then in the film industry and all three are about teamwork. In many ways Hagrid was the making of me – taking on that role gave my life a bit of direction. It can be tough as a retired sportsman – I didn't really know what I wanted to do. But I love performing – playing rugby for me was a performance; broadcasting, speaking, writing and acting are all forms of performance."

Bayfield is supported (not literally!) by Barry Williams, one of the country’s finest and sharpest after dinner hosts and a very, very funny man.

The occasion is midday for a 1.00pm sit down with a luxurious three course lunch.

Contact Karl Ward on karl@orsuk.com and 07734 555887.

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TOASTING THE JOURNALIST CHARITY

January 17, 2015, 3:13 am

≫ Next: A RIGHT SETT TO

≪ Previous: HAGRID’S WIZARD VISIT TO BRUM

Nick Clegg and organisers

Birmingham media types well in the trough

Journalist Charity, wonderful body, and the lads and girls love it.

Hic!

I am talking about the annual highly liquid trip to the capital in aid of a terrific cause.

But lots of laughter along the way from Birmingham to London.

The gang included Mark Langford (Centro press office, ex Post & Mail, BBC and Sky), Derek Inman, John James, Enda Mullen (Birmingham Post), Lois Burley (PR legend), Gerry Armes and David Dunkley (both ex-Post and Mail), Laurie Upshon (ex Central News boss).

For JJ and DE it all began with a bottle of champagne at 11am in Hotel du Vin … as you do.

Inman, who is on one of those ridiculous sober Januaries, had given himself an alcoholic pass for the day.

11.55am Chiltern to London and a piss-take because Midlands Labour MP Tom Watson by coincidence is seated opposite.

The two desperados realise who he is and JJ, former Labour supporter turned UKIP councillor candidate, makes a particular point of winding him up without letting slip Watson is ever anything other than a complete stranger.

But, as the JJ/Inman conversation turns to renegade Edgbaston Labour MP Gisela Stuart, even Tom spots a wrong-un – leans across and quips “my name’s Tom Watson but I promise not to tell Gisela”.

Cheers!

Next stop Langan’s brasserie in Mayfair and two bottles of wine with lunch.

Time for celeb spotting before meeting up with everyone else at what is a pre-reception tradition of drinks at The Grenadier pub in Belgravia, five minutes round the corner from hosts the Irish Embassy, a favourite haunt of Prince William and Madonna apparently (separately presumably).

Neither was there though, or if they were they skedaddled pretty sharpish.

The Irish reception – wall-to-wall Guinness and extremely large G&Ts – is a popular bash intended to flag the work of the charity.

Attendees this year included Jeremy Paxman and Michael Crick.

There is always a speech by a member of the government, which this year was Nick Clegg.

Guests gathered in a sombre and reflective mood, recognising that the enormity of the deathly attack in Paris on the staff of the satirical magazine Charlie Hebdo had become a defining moment in the defence of free and independent journalism around the world.

The Deputy Prime Minister, described the terrible death toll as a tragic reminder of the importance of freedom of speech, of a free press and most importantly of a freedom to “offend each other”.

But back to the ordinary!

On departing, a clearly ‘refreshed’ Inman then had to make his way across London to get to the Union Jack servicemen’s club in Waterloo where he was overnighting. Langford reveals: “It’s a place I recommended to him having stayed there myself, although I forgot to warn him about the ex-Gurkha doormen they employ there to sort any riff-raff out.

“They don’t mess about if there’s any trouble, but I had a text from Derek the following day to say he’d enjoyed his stay so assumed he got in OK!”

Just a mere £69 – hurrah!

And now that sadly Wolverhampton Wanderers’ Sir Jack Hayward has passed away, DE has become Derek “Union Jack” Inman.

Admitting to “a bit of a hangover” (had to stay in London for a meeting the next day).

PIC Caption (Langford): The couple with Lois, Enda and Derek are Daily Express journalist Garth Pearce and his wife Davina. The girl in red is JJ’s daughter but I can’t remember her name – (Emily, I think). The girl in the green coat is my other half, Alison Pickett, who happens to be Irish (Dublin) and therefore was enjoying claiming back in kind some of the taxes she paid before moving here!

PS: Talking about drink, the city council’s favourite champagne socialist, Sir Albert Bore’s speech writer and goffer Tony Smith, is seemingly becoming something of a fixture in his corner of the Fighting Cocks in Moseley.

So much so that some bloke asked the other day if they were still serving food and a dad questioned whether he could come in with his young son – answer no.

And the sad Manchester United fan is still moaning that he is paid nowhere near Rooney’s £300,000 a week!

↧

A RIGHT SETT TO

January 18, 2015, 11:31 pm

≫ Next: BRING BACK MANUFACTURING

≪ Previous: TOASTING THE JOURNALIST CHARITY

Birmingham businessman digs the dirt on badgers

Old chum Peter Wall is being endlessly badgered.

The problem is the animals digging up the lawn at his Edgbaston home and making a dreadful mess.

Now the Birmingham businessman – we both went to Uppingham School – has got me wondering.

Something has been hacking away at my front garden in Moseley in recent weeks.

I had assumed it was a dog, or perhaps a fox – but are Peter’s badgers to blame?

Well, not his as such – they won’t have wandered that far – but maybe their relatives.

He says he and his wife were “absolutely devastated” by what has happened.

Does not wish any harm on the animals; just wants them to leave his lawn alone.

Finally though the damage has been repaired.

It took eight hours hard labour and may well have been in vain.

As they’ve been on a New Year first footing.

He tells me: “Experts said the badgers would be hibernating now. Joke! They have been back and done it all again.

“It is a problem throughout Edgbaston – dozens of gardens affected. They are looking for grubs under the lawns.”

Anyway it has so exercised Middle England that BBC Midlands Today has been on the case.

Indeed they have really dug into it and unearthed an expert.

Ben Devine works at the Warwickshire Wildlife Trust but only recently finished an extensive study of urban badgers in Sheffield.

First of all, it does appear that the urban badger is a different beast to those found in the countryside.

According to Ben's research and that of others: "Urban badgers differ in their behaviour and ecology to rural populations in terms of diet, population dynamics, social organisation and ranging/dispersal behaviour."

It is likely that diet might be a problem here.

Urban badgers are actually bigger than their rural cousins because so many people put out food for them.

If someone on Wall's street is feeding the animals, that will also encourage them to look for other food sources nearby – in this case they have found larvae and insects under the turf.

Badgers are protected so you need a licence if you are going to interfere in any way with a sett.

Ben says that since 1992 there has been a steady increase in the frequency of license applications to deal with "problem setts" in urban areas.

Bad news for lawn-lovers.

Sorry Peter – now dubbed the “Badger Man” and with a sign on his front door saying “Welcome To My Sett” – but I think they’re going to badger you for some time yet!

↧

BRING BACK MANUFACTURING

January 19, 2015, 10:49 pm

≫ Next: MOBILE MENACE

≪ Previous: A RIGHT SETT TO

Centre for Cities report confirms threadbare Birmingham – Rant

The 2015 Centre for Cities report makes grim reading for Birmingham.

Running slowly through and then skimming back I couldn’t spot a statistical table in which we came in the top ten cities for anything.

Conversely Birmingham is among the ten cities with the lowest employment rates – 64.2 per cent.

Similarly, it was in the ten posting the highest claimant count – 3.9 per cent.

The absolute pits for number of people with no formal qualifications at all – 16.5 per cent.

And second worst for the highest levels of inequality.

On a wider perspective than just Birmingham, the report notes: “Despite a consistent political commitment from all parties to improve the relative economic performance of places outside of the South, the gap between cities in the South and cities in the rest of the UK has increased, not diminished.

“Looking over a 10-year period from 2004 to 2013 shows that the differences in population growth, the number of businesses, the number of jobs and house price affordability have continued to widen between cities in the South and cities elsewhere in the UK.

“This differing performance is even more marked when looking at private sector jobs. Cities in the South had 12.6 per cent more private sector jobs in 2013 than in 2004. But cities elsewhere had fewer private sector jobs in 2013 than they did a decade ago – a contraction of 1.1 per cent.”

What to do about all this?

What to do about Birmingham?

I’m with Birmingham City Business School’s Dr Steve McCabe.

He states: “The report makes the case that the next government must do things very differently through investment and planning. As many, including myself have consistently argued, Birmingham needs to place greater emphasis on rebuilding our manufacturing expertise that was so thoughtlessly undermined in the 1980s.”

A point I too have consistently been hammering away at – manufacturing is the only future for Birmingham.

We can lever off the vast success of Jaguar Land Rover. Suppliers are already benefiting hugely.

We can lever off HS2 as it gets closer.

Frittering on about retail and leisure/tourism will not solve the problem – they have a place but only a small place. They produce low paid low skilled low esteem jobs.

The creative industries is viewed as the panacea – again, it has a place, but it will never be mainstream.

Manufacturing is in Birmingham’s DNA; manufacturing produces highly paid quality jobs.

When will the inept city council and the equally inept Outer Mongolian LEP get the message?

↧

MOBILE MENACE

January 24, 2015, 2:12 am

≫ Next: FLAGGING UP BIRMINGHAM

≪ Previous: BRING BACK MANUFACTURING

Shove this man on sight

How I hate ignorant techno plonkers – Rant

OK, techno hate this week.

A headline stares out at me from the Daily Mail – “I was assaulted for texting as I walked, says TV money expert”.

Good, was my first reaction … second, third and fourth.

Never heard of the bloke, some guy called Martin Lewis, but he is apparently a “consumer champion” – yawn.

To sum this story up, the 42-year-old is walking down a busy street texting on his mobile and some professional in his fifties shoves him out of the way, then gives him a piece of his mind.

How often have I wanted to do the same, but held back.

The wimp Lewis whines about assault, before his transgressor beats a hasty retreat.

I can’t stand these “pavement posers”.

There they are lost in their own texting world, weaving from side to side, not looking where they are going, progressing agonisingly slowly.

You try to be polite and avoid them; they weave into your path.

I can just feel my irritation rising.

I have discovered the only way to deal with the situation is to walk straight at them. At the very last moment something sub-conscious tells them they are on a collision course and they hastily move aside, often with that pompous surprised air which says “what’s your problem, chum”.

Well, up yours.

This is only matched by a variant called the texting t*****.

You drive up behind this vehicle in an urban area where the traffic speed is reduced and immediately realise he (it’s virtually always a he) is behaving erratically.

It is clear that the driver is paying no attention to the road conditions.

He edges forward, huge gaps appear in front of him, he edges forward again, more huge gaps appear … you get the picture.

The road exists purely for his benefit seemingly.

You hoot at him – nothing.

You blast him again and once more you get this innocent expression as if to say “what are you playing at sounding your horn, pal”.

Well, up yours.

And finally you get the Twitter t***.

There you are in the pub, having a pleasant banter, when the person you are conversing with suddenly drops everything and reverts to their mobile phone.

They’ve been sent a Twitter message and Twitter comes before all other worldly interests.

You find yourself completely ignored and talking to nothing and nobody.

It is the rude, boring and insulting behaviour of the techno loony addict.

Several minutes later they return to Mother Earth and wonder why the topic has moved on and they are out of the loop.

React all hurt, poor darlings.

Well, up yours.

↧

FLAGGING UP BIRMINGHAM

January 24, 2015, 2:25 am

≫ Next: THE SOUND OF 2015

≪ Previous: MOBILE MENACE

City councillor’s ‘brain wave’ initiative

The latest bonkers idea from Birmingham City Council is a new flag for the city.

A design competition has just been launched – and is open to all.

Now many of you might believe that the flag that flies over the Council House in the city centre belongs to everyone, but in fact it solely the preserve of the local authority and can’t be used elsewhere.

How ridiculous.

Hence the supposed need for a ‘people’s flag’.

There’s even a council committee to pronounce on the wretched thing.

Deputy Lord Mayor Cllr Mike Leddy, chair of the Birmingham Flag Project Team, is clearly losing it.

He said: “No one is allowed to fly the current flag without the council’s permission.

Alum Rock only

I believe that a Flag for Birmingham will instil civic pride, allow Brummies to express pride in our community, celebrate our heritage and culture and raise greater recognition and awareness of Birmingham nationwide. That’s why I’m launching a competition to create a people’s flag for Birmingham.”

Oh dear, can’t you already see the London newspapers having a field day.

I can just envisage their ideas of a Birmingham flag – the skull and crossbones would be just the start.

Versions of the ISIL terrorist flag must be another, especially given the Americans now think the city is 100 per cent Muslim.

A sun setting on a beleaguered Birmingham – council broke, appalling skills record, Taliban schools, troubled football clubs.

Or perhaps some sort of image out of Benefits Street.

All suggestions for a Birmingham flag to duckersanddiving please.

Sun goes down on Birmingham

Meanwhile the ‘People’s Flag for the independent state of Birmingham’ competition is free to enter and open to all, whether you are amateur or professional, an individual or a group.

Designs will be judged impartially and purely on merit, irrespective of artistic ability.

The deadline for entries is March 31. Judges will then draw up a shortlist of five designs to put forward to a public vote from May 11 until June 28.

The winner will be announced week commencing July 13 and they will be presented with the first flag.

Bureaucratic or what?

Entry forms along with hints and design guidelines are available on the Birmingham City Council website at www.birmingham.gov.uk/communityflag.

Go on, give us a wave.

↧

THE SOUND OF 2015

January 25, 2015, 10:58 am

≫ Next: CHILDHOOD MISCHIEF

≪ Previous: FLAGGING UP BIRMINGHAM

Brum band reveals new release schedule

The second career of Clay Rogers & Partners managing director Mark Rogers is proving a hit.

He previously worked as a musician with some success in the 1980s supporting bands like Aztec Camera and The Icicle Works.

More recently he got back into it.

Now the musical career of Mark D Rogers and his band will see a significant amount of activity this year.

He tells me: “We spent the last half of 2014 writing new material which has culminated in the recording of two new singles – Mr B Liar and I Get Along.”

Mr B Liar is due out around February 9 – it has already been released on You Tube (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz-1nPPpj6M) – with I Get Along scheduled for an end of April release.

A new album, Animal Farm, is earmarked for June.

He notes: “Life takes you in some very strange directions sometime and leads to a few surprises!

“The producer we are working with, Matt Terry of Vada Studios, pulled in a big favour in a moment of need! We were without a drummer at a crucial time and he is a personal friend of Leo Crabtree of The Prodigy! It has been just such an amazing experience to work with such a talented musician.”

Music runs right through financial managers Clay Rogers & Partners.

Chairman Tim Clay sings in a rock band called the Demons of Tune, which raises money through regular gigs attended mainly by Midlands-based accountants, lawyers and corporate financiers. According to the band’s website his ‘luscious, rich voice has been described as listening to liquid caramel oozing out of a warm marshmallow whilst sitting on an eiderdown, in a mattress factory. Asleep’.

Their efforts raise significant sums for charity.

More power to their voice.

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CHILDHOOD MISCHIEF

January 26, 2015, 10:39 am

≫ Next: WHITHER THE HEALTH OF THE NHS?

≪ Previous: THE SOUND OF 2015

Memories of a Birmingham long gone

Transatlantic memories of life in 1920s Birmingham has spawned a special children’s book, Brothers of Mischief.

Written by Richard Preece, who lives in Canada, it is built round the childhood adventures of his father and uncle, Ralph and Tom, when they were living at Birmingham Central Fire Station where their Dad, Richard’s Grandad, was a driver of horse-drawn steam fire engines.
Richard said: “It is my first book and contains stories that my father and uncle told me or I heard them reminiscing when I was a boy.

“My biggest regret is that I did not question or ask more about their lives, growing up in such a different world.”

The story is set in the summer of 1921, school has just finished and the brothers embark on numerous adventures.

Richard reveals: “Times and life were hard being raised in a family of eight children but politeness and the words ‘please’, ‘thank you’ and respect of ones parents and older people were expected. A simpler time with no television, video games, cell phones or any of the trappings of our modern society, but they understood the value of money, sharing and charity.

“They hunt for coins in the big city, catch pigeons in the church yard, the exciting day out to the pub with Dad, meeting Old Bill, a ratter with his dogs and ferrets, and the day trip on a canal barge, through the country-side, having to navigate a long tunnel, fill the brothers’ holiday.”

And what about riding to an actual house fire on the fire engine, a race between the horse-drawn and new petrol fire engines.

Ralph narrates: “When we arrived on Adams Street the house was really burning. The ground floor was on fire with flames coming out of the windows and already reaching up to the second floor. Someone was shouting that there were people still inside the house. Dad jumped off the fire engine and shouted at me, ‘Stay there son! Don’t move, just stay there!’

“I sat watching in amazement how quickly the firemen moved, running out hoses and extending ladders to the second floors and above. I watched Dad run into the burning house through the front door into all the smoke. It seemed like forever before Dad reappeared through the door way with a woman over his shoulder and dragging two small children.

“Fireman Stentiford was climbing down one of the ladders with I think a woman over his shoulder. Two other fire engines arrived and they started running out hoses and started to pump water furiously onto the burning house. I just sat there watching from my vantage point, this incredible scene as the fire was slowly put out. I had seen my Dad rescue three people with no protective clothing or breathing apparatus. He was coughing but was still shouting orders as he ran up one of ladders and carried a half conscious lady down, as children were being lowered to the ground on one of the other ladders. It took nearly an hour to get the fire fully under control.

“That night at dinner, Mom asked us if we wanted to hear the report about the fire in the evening edition of the Birmingham Mail.

“She picked up the newspaper and on the front page she read: ‘A house fire on Adams Street this morning was fully engulfed when the first fire engines arrived. Six people eventually died in the fire and four were injured. Seven people were saved. It was said that it was a miracle that the whole of the people in the house were not suffocated. Only the promptness and courageous actions of the fire brigade saved so many of them. Onlookers are warm in their praise of the rescue carried out by the Birmingham fire brigade.

“The contingent first on the scene, which got the rescue in hand and which did exceptionally good work, consisted of Station-officer Preece and Firemen Stentiford, Smith, Raynes and Grey. They effected the rescue of four of the occupants on their own before they were joined by a second contingent.’

“Mom put the paper down, smiled and rubbed Dad’s back and said: ‘You did well Albert but you must be more careful’.”

Aimed at 6 to 12 year olds, but with an appeal to grownups too, the paperback version is £9.99 and hardback £19.99.

It can be purchased at Amazon UK or through Waterstones.

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WHITHER THE HEALTH OF THE NHS?

January 30, 2015, 1:46 am

≫ Next: SONGS FROM THE SLOPES

≪ Previous: CHILDHOOD MISCHIEF

More money will not cure its ills – Rant

Am I the only one who gets tired of the NHS moaning about lack of money?

Then politicians jumping on the bandwagon.

A headline in The Birmingham Post stared out of the most recent edition – “Patient safety fears as QE has to make £60m savings”.

The reality is that nationwide NHS funding goes up every year – but just by not enough for many doctors and lobbyists.

Like so-called Government “cuts” – GDP for 2014 was ahead 2.6 per cent while borrowing and the deficit continue to soar, but by less than before.

We are still living way above our means.

Now, I have no intention of slagging off the NHS – I wouldn’t be here today without it.

Had I been born in previous generations I would probably have been dead at the age of seven (appendicitis) and again last year (cellulitis).

My 90-year-old mother has just been into hospital, seen a consultant, told the lump in her breast isn’t cancerous, and out – all within a week.

The uncle I never knew died when a young child in the 1930s pre the NHS because a “simple” home operation to remove his tonsils went wrong and he bled to death.

The NHS is a wonderful institution where the UK is an example to the world.

Its troubles stem from a lack of incentive to work to a budget and a mission to do more than it can possibly achieve.

Everyone has to work to a budget; so why not the NHS?

Because those inside know that if they scream and shout enough there is a good chance the Government will provide extra – as has been done this winter.

Each year we have the same farce.

The NHS should be told – this is your budget for the year and it will not be increased under any circumstances. Make it work.

Like failing schools, there is no excuse for failing hospitals.

The medical mafia blame their ‘woes’ on increased demand for services due to rising life expectancy, plus improving medical technology which makes new forms of costly treatment possible – such as transplants.

Time for some brutal solutions.

Life expectancy is, I admit, an issue but why does the Government exacerbate it by, for example, its anti-smoking campaign? They should encourage smoking so more people die young and are no longer a burden on medical care and social services. The extra tax revenue can go to the NHS. It’s surely an individual choice to smoke or not rather than that of the nanny state.

Let’s look at the ridiculously wide service levels the NHS provides.

Boob jobs should never be done under the NHS – with our body we get the cards we are dealt. If you are ‘mentally traumatised’ by your too big/too small breasts then go private.

Similarly, having children is not a right – it is a privilege. In vitro fertilisation should not be offered on the NHS. Being unable to conceive is a great sadness, but it is not an illness. Live with it or go private.

Indeed there is a strong argument to offload many minor ailments to the private sector – just like dentistry is not free. If you want your warts or varicose veins treated, go private.

Or perhaps you pay half and the NHS gives you a voucher for the other half.

I get a free flu jab on the NHS every year; I ought to be asked to pay for it.

You can now get jabs against pneumonia but in past generations that was regarded as the nice way for the frail and elderly to pass away.

How many of us really want to be dementia-ridden, incontinent wrecks in an extended old age where increasingly life is not worth living? Better to go gracefully when “it is time” surely.

And then we get to the way in which elements of the NHS seem to operate entirely divorced from each other.

My local GP practice will now no longer allow me to see a doctor on the same day necessarily.

I am expected to phone in and speak to a “clinician” who will adjudge whether I am sufficiently deserving.

At the point I discovered this had been implemented – no consultation whatsoever; no notification to the home – the waiting time for anyone to pick up the phone was allegedly two minutes on average and ten minutes at worst. I gave up years ago ever trying to get through.

All this will do is force more people to attend hospital accident and emergency departments – already flooded out because the GP service is so limited.

The NHS is mostly fantastic in a crisis, but its general running leaves much to be desired.

It doesn’t need more money; it needs treatment.

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SONGS FROM THE SLOPES

January 31, 2015, 1:56 am

≫ Next: ONE OF BIRMINGHAM’S GREATS

≪ Previous: WHITHER THE HEALTH OF THE NHS?

Pitchford hits skiing’s high notes

Birmingham businessman Glyn Pitchford has been on his annual skiing holiday.

In Wengen, a favourite haunt, from whence I shall soon no doubt hear tales of getting lost on the slopes and glugging gluhwein with complete strangers.
Oh, hang on, he already has.
He emails: "Selfie at 7,000 feet showing Eiger in background ... you need to use your imagination as it's obscured by a blizzard! A metre of snow fallen overnight; just needs another metre and I'll need a ladder!
Tripping over loads of Japanese tourists in suits, frocks and facemasks taking pics of us like they've never seen snow or skiers before.
"These incessant whiteouts are making me philosophical. Done a SWOT analysis of a pine tree and a paper clip. Which would you rather bé?
"Usual watering hole at day's end: Mary's Cafe located at the finish of the famous World Cup Lauberhorn Ski Race. Local dog performs its party trick and drops at my feet what I thought was a stick. Threw it, only to realize it was a frozen turd! Yuk!"

Billy No Mates has gone on his own this time – clearly couldn’t find anyone who can cope with his idiosyncratic approach to the sport.

Watch out too for moans about the bill albeit he currently thinks he is onto a winner.

He tells me: “Good job I bought my Swiss Francs before the Swiss buggered up the exchange rate.

“I'm quietly pleased with myself, as a Yorkshireman who values money and still stoops to pick up a penny off the pavement, bad back irrespective … when other people walk by – more fool them, I'm the richer for it!”

Oh, and a plug for Chris Spedding, Pitchford’s brother-in-law, who has a new album out.

It’s called Joyland (so Pitchford has clearly had nothing to do with it!).

Featured musicians include The Smiths’ Johnny Marr, Roxy Music’s Bryan Ferry and Andy Mackay, ex-Sex Pistol Glen Matlock and God Of Fire Arthur Brown.

Spedding is a legend in the music world even though he is better known as a session artist than in his own right.

Albeit the more elderly will remember his hit Motor Bikin which saw the lad appear on Top of the Pops dressed in leather motorcycling gear, with grotesquely greased hair.

The things these pop stars do for publicity.

Worse still, from 1972-76 he played in Mike Batt's novelty band The Wombles, occasionally performing on television in a Womble suit.

Pitchford was Uncle Bulgaria – no, I tell a lie!

These days living in America, Spedding’s career has included appearing and recording with Ferry, Roxy Music, Elton John, Brian Eno, Jack Bruce, Nick Mason and Katie Melua, amongst others.

He was also the producer of the Sex Pistols first demos, recorded on May 15 1976 including the tracks Problems, No Feelings, and Pretty Vacant.

Pretty Vacant, eh – now that must have had a Pitchford involvement!

PS: Pitchford writes: “Sorry, forgot to mention I bumped into old troublemaker Andrew Sparrow last night at a concert at Solihull School where my grandson and his daughter were in Robin Hood and his Merry Men. Jack played Will Scarlet in red tights which kept falling down, so slightly distracting. Can't help thinking this play might have had a very different look to it if left to the Press Club to organise and were Sparrow to have donned red tights and I played Robin Hood taking pot shots at him. Enough Pitchford – you can get locked up for less these days!

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ONE OF BIRMINGHAM’S GREATS

February 1, 2015, 10:46 pm

≫ Next: TARMAC IN THE BROWN STUFF?

≪ Previous: SONGS FROM THE SLOPES

They don’t build them like Bowen any more

Why is Birmingham so bereft of leaders?

We used to have many and here’s one of them – John Bowen who walked into town with a sack of tools on his back, went on to build the law courts and ended up as High Sheriff of Worcestershire.

Now his great grandson, legendary lawyer Anthony Collins has written a book about him entitled Alderman John Bowen J.P. ‘Honest John’.

Not the snappiest of titles but then it is a homespun little number, a paperback of fifty pages outlining the story of John Bowen and containing many photographs of the buildings that John Bowen & Sons built during the lifetime of the company.

Many, beautiful edifices, long ago knocked down – Birmingham’s record on protecting character buildings has been dreadful down the years.
Bowen was the son of a blacksmith from the village of Rochford, near Tenbury Wells. Arriving in Birmingham in 1868, two years later at the age of 25 he started on his own account.

John Bowen and Sons Limited was to become one of Birmingham’s most well-known and respected firms of builders.
He began in a small way erecting villas and other residences. Soon he was a major contractor, carrying out important works including several schools for the Birmingham, Kings Norton and Aston School Boards.
When Birmingham City Council decided to erect the Corporation baths in Monument Road, John Bowen secured the contract, and added still further to his reputation.

An array of projects followed including the Victorian Law Courts and associated police offices, the Wesleyan Central Hall, Liberty’s, Birmingham Meat Market, the Moseley and Balsall Heath Institute, St Agatha’s Church in Sparkbrook, the Edgbaston Assembly Rooms and Kings Heath Wesleyan Church.

Following Bowen’s retirement in 1909 the firm went on to build the likes of the Repertory Theatre in Station Street and the Hall of Memory and, it is thought, worked on Queen Elizabeth Hospital and Birmingham University.

John Bowen had his business premises in George Street, Balsall Heath, which was then in the County of Worcestershire and built a house in 1883 close by at the corner of Strensham Hill and Edgbaston Road in Moseley which he called Rochford and where he lived until he died in 1926.

You can read the full story at www.johnbowen.org or buy the book via

http://www.johnbowen.org/the-book.html.

Just the sort of person we could do with today.

↧

TARMAC IN THE BROWN STUFF?

February 6, 2015, 2:41 am

≫ Next: SQUIRE ALBRIGHTON

≪ Previous: ONE OF BIRMINGHAM’S GREATS

Private equity looks to swoop – Rant

Do I detect a portent of doom for Midlands-based Tarmac?

The dread word “private equity” has reared its ugly head over what once was a bastion of industry in this region.

Supposedly private equity house KKR famed for its leveraged buyouts is stalking the business.

Tarmac is being sold off by Irish building materials group CRH due to competition issues. CRH is acquiring a £4.9 billion package of assets out of the merger between cement makers Holcim and Lafarge. The move transforms CRH into the third biggest building materials supplier. But Tarmac is the sacrificial lamb.

Founded in 1903 Tarmac lost its independence in 1999 when bought by Anglo American. In 2011 it was broken up and sold to Lafarge.

When I first arrived in the Midlands in 1990 Tarmac had a fantastic reputation but it was done for by the early Nineties recession, debt levels and questionable leadership.

Since then it has been little more than a pawn in the globalisation game, shunted from pillar to post.

How do you try and build for the future in such circumstances? How do you generate any loyalty from your workforce? How do you persuade a greedy parent to invest in a relatively insignificant subsidiary? Why would history and heritage matter?

These are the issues which have faced so many companies from this part of the world – which has far too few big entities and far too few that are UK-owned. It is ever the problem. The decisions are made thousands of miles away by people who care not one jot about the best interests of the West Midlands.

A few do care – just look at the benign ownership by Tata of Jaguar Land Rover. It has poured in billions of pounds of investment, become part of the community, respected the tradition, valued the workers and in return been hugely rewarded.

Then look at the involvement of private equity.

Rover was probably doomed come what may, but it was private equity which tipped it into the hands of those charlatans, the Phoenix Four. Cadbury was sold to the highest bidder because of pressure from private equity and vulture funds to squeeze out every last penny of profit. Now run by Mondelez, which is axing jobs at Bournville, it has been pledged investment yet seemingly there is little respect for brand values or even the composition of the chocolate.

More recently we have had the scandal of parcel delivery company City Link which went into administration over the festive season at a cost of 2,700 jobs. Workers found out their fate on Christmas Day. Venture capitalist Jon Moulton, founder of City Link’s parent company Better Capital, later expressed his sorrow for the collapse and the “horrible effects” for its workforce – but denied the affair had been mishandled.

Private equity enthusiasts will tell you that they transform troubled companies and make others more profitable. There is a technique to it – send in better management, cut costs, put in some up-front investment.

They highlight the risk factor – how they win big time on some and lose on others … Moulton claimed Better Capital lost half its £40 million stake in City Link.

But most private equity expects to get out after three years and the worst will deliberately load on debt, starving the firm of investment and sucking it dry, before selling it on.

I wish Tarmac all the luck in the world.

I once went with a party of journalists, courtesy of Tarmac, to Egypt on a Press trip. The first day was spent sight-seeing round the Pyramids; the second was being lowered into the sewers to view Tarmac’s construction techniques.

Please may its future be the former and not the latter; splendour not shit!

↧

SQUIRE ALBRIGHTON

February 7, 2015, 2:32 pm

≫ Next: THE ABOMINABLE PITCHFORD RETURNS

≪ Previous: TARMAC IN THE BROWN STUFF?

Cockburn goes all Downton Abbey

I hear one half – the little bit – of Black Country outfit DCPR has gone posh.

I am talking the diminutive Russ Cockburn who runs the agency with the burly Matt Danks.

Apparently Cockburn has dumped Coseley for Albrighton, the leafy alternative to the Black Country.

What a sell-out!

He and wife Joan alone in the wilds against the world – the sparrow family having flown the nest.

One can just envisage crowing cockerels waking him up at 3am every morning, the arresting aroma of fresh cow dung stinging the nostrils and the very real danger of golden eagles swooping down and carrying him away.

My spy amidst the nobility tells me: “Apparently he is holding on for the tweed jacket, flat cap, gun dog and twelve bore under his arm.”

But squire Cockburn (now we are getting dirty) has had to be satisfied in his choice of mutt by a cocker poo.

The Cockburn Hunt

Hello Stinker Jnr – what’s a cocker poo?

Allegedly a cross between a cocker spaniel and a poodle.

Albeit this is some sort of scary mastiffe in Cockburn terms.

My spy reveals: “He has difficulty taking the thing for a walk without it running away from him.

“Given it is somewhat taller it is seriously scary.”

Called Dougal – as in the Magic Roundabout – but nicknaked Doog.

Cockburn is a fanatical Wolves supporter and a certain Derek Doogan once played for the old gold.

So if you spot a big dog straining at the lead, dragging this Tom Thumb character along with him, then give the lad a wave.

↧

THE ABOMINABLE PITCHFORD RETURNS

February 9, 2015, 10:53 pm

≫ Next: PASSPORT TO PIMLICO

≪ Previous: SQUIRE ALBRIGHTON

Secret agent of the slopes spills all

The name’s Pitch, Pint-Sized Pitch, otherwise known in the Service as 002 and a half.

Following last week’s tales of daring do, our man in Wengen, disguised as a little mean Yorkshire tourist with the cover name Glyn Pitchford, has dug himself out of a snowdrift and finally returned to Blighty.

But not until after the usual dodgy Boy’s Own adventures.

He emails: “Well, the sun finally shone for a day and the Eiger appeared – see pic!

“So off I skied to Murren, made famous by the James Bond movie On Her Majesty's Secret Service starring George Lazenby.

“They've dined out on it ever since. I met his silhouette – see pic.”

The closest our man gets to chilling out with the stars.

For Bond fans it's well worth a trip to the 10,000 ft high revolving restaurant where there are lots of gimmicks including a movie theatre and simulated helicopter flight over the summit.

“Before that, during a raging blizzard, I crashed badly in zero visibility putting some dents in my helmet!” reveals the lad

“All donations for a new helmet please, to GP c/o Duckers …”

Mind you, all these head knocks explain quite a bit.

Punch-drunk Pitchford goes on: “Afterwards, I spotted a herd of chamois but to be perfectly honest there may only have been one – it was just after my fall.

“That said, I do have accrued knowledge of wild mountain goats as I'm usually chasing them (he has a holiday home up a mountain in Spain).”

He adds: “I finally arrived back but not before persuading the hotelier to rig up BBC1 for the Wales-England rugby match which happily ended with the right result.”

Absolutely.

↧

PASSPORT TO PIMLICO

February 10, 2015, 10:11 am

≫ Next: WHITHER LABOUR’S BRUTAL CUTS

≪ Previous: THE ABOMINABLE PITCHFORD RETURNS

Newbon blags his way back into the country

Not for the first time broadcaster Gary Newbon has proved what an asset it is to have the gift of the gab.

Newbon was part of a delegation to China attending the opening of a £300 million Covpress China factory in Dongying in Shandong province in the North-Eastern part of the country.

The broadcasting legend is an ambassador for the Covpress joint venture.

Joined by Lord Whitby, the man who played a key role in the ultimately successful Chinese takeover of Longbridge all those years ago, confounding the sceptics who had written off the MG Rover deal as a mere lift and shift operation – in his element, enjoying the generous Chinese hospitality.

A highly successful visit – covered extensively by Birmingham Mail business editor Jon Griffin, also on the jolly.

Successful that is until landing back at Heathrow.

The group is about to disembark from the plane when Newbon discovers he has lost his passport.

Oh dear, can’t find it anywhere.

So he tells Griffin and Lord Whitby to head on while he continues to search, consequently missing a lift with the pair back to the Midlands.

Still no passport, so Newbon turns on the charm.

Gives passport control the big “I’m Gary Newbon” blather of which he is (in)famous and talks his way through.

Only Newbon could have pulled it off.

So what happened to the passport?

Well, according to my spies, it seems it dropped out of the lad’s pocket on boarding, was found by a stewardess and mistakenly put into Lord Whitby’s coat pocket.

(Well, they’re both about the same build and every Englishman looks the same to the Chinese!)

Whitby, it seems, never discovered it until he got back home to Birmingham.

The wags are apparently now referring to Newbon as the “illegal immigrant” and a light-hearted campaign is being muted to have him arrested and sent back to China!

Still, all’s well that ends well.

PS: For manufacturing nuts, the joint venture between industrial powerhouse Shandong Yongtai and Telford-based tyre firm Treadsetters cleared the path for a £30 million buyout of body panel suppliers Covpress 18 months ago, securing the future of a factory which began life in 1890 as the Coventry Radiator and Presswork Company.

↧

WHITHER LABOUR’S BRUTAL CUTS

February 13, 2015, 9:40 pm

≫ Next: COUNCILLOR GETS THE HUMP

≪ Previous: PASSPORT TO PIMLICO

Punishing class enemies – Rant

Am I the only one of the view that Labour has gone out of its way to be spiteful and petty in the way it has handled the latest round of Birmingham City Council cuts?

The reasoning behind some of the more high profile reductions in services is primarily ideological, one suspects.

Anything deemed “working class” – a ridiculous term these days anyway as lawyers, accountants, teachers et al are all workers and Sir Albert Bore was a university lecturer – is sacrosanct and especially anything to do with Labour’s dodgy Asian inner city rotten boroughs.

Anything else is fair game for a hit.

I am referring primarily to the Library of Birmingham savagery and the green waste fiasco.

Opening hours at the showpiece library will be slashed it has been confirmed despite an extra £200,000 being found to bolster archive services.

Plans to axe up to 100 staff and cut opening times from 73 to 40 hours per week are still in the council’s 2015/16 budget despite widespread objections.

Apparently a hoped-for link-up with the British Library and other potential sponsors, backers and funders are still at the negotiating stage.

Now, I have some sympathy that Labour has inherited the Lord Whitby Folly and in much tougher times than it was conceived.

I don’t even disagree with the view point of Labour MP Gisela Stuart who berates Whitby for building a library the city cannot afford, costing £1 million a month in interest payments.

But it has happened – ugly as sin on the outside but magnificent inside.

We should be seeking to make the most of it as a jewel in our crown rather than denigrate it.

Yet it is tarred in Labour council eyes because it is the vision of a loathed Tory, the pompous, self-promoting Whitby, and in any case not something “the workers” care a fig about.

All a bit like the removal of free green waste collections.

In Labour eyes gardening is something beloved by the middle classes, Conservatives and lily-livered Liberals; the workers either don’t have gardens or can’t afford their upkeep.

Wait for spring to come and garden waste starts being dumped all over the city again – local Labour MPs are petrified it will affect their General Election chances.

Meanwhile black bags are being abandoned all over the place, presumably because there is only room for about three at a push in the new eyesore wheelie bins.

Old mattresses are just thrown out on the streets because of the difficulty of getting them picked up and taken away.

Litter is everywhere – the city is filthy.

Will all this mean-mindedness rebound on Labour?

Gisela Stuart

I think more of their natural voters than the Party thinks enjoy gardening and reading (Socialists aren’t necessarily Philistines), albeit rarely do local issues transcend national ones in a General Election.

So Sir Albert will no doubt be inclined to sit out the storm hoping for a Labour government.

Suddenly finds a bundle of money down the back of a sofa, announces that it was all the big bad government’s fault, the great Labour Party has “saved” the green waste collection and Library from the ravages of the evil Tories – vote Labour.

What a disgrace.

Even Mrs Stuart, one of the wiser voices on the Left, is prepared to acknowledge that “not all is well in Birmingham”.

She has urged the council to accept the findings of reviews such as the recent inquiry by Sir Bob Kerslake and address the many troubles.

She told the Commons: "The city must grasp that and say, 'This is our chance to come to terms with some of the problems of the past and put them right'."

Fat chance with the unreconstructed Sir Albert in charge.

Meanwhile Birmingham’s image takes another pounding.

↧

COUNCILLOR GETS THE HUMP

February 14, 2015, 5:09 pm

≫ Next: BIRMINGHAM TV ARRIVES

≪ Previous: WHITHER LABOUR’S BRUTAL CUTS

Douglas Osborn recalls Cairo and camels

Following my dodgy revelations last week about a working visit to Egypt 20 years or so back, Birmingham City Councillor Peter Douglas Osborn has admitted to his own pyramids mischief.

It seems he went to Cairo with his mum as a present for her 75^th birthday.

By Concorde … which dates (dates – get it?) the tale just a little too!

He tells me: “We went there and back in a day and home for supper.

“We starred in a PR film which might account for Concorde's demise, but it was splendid while it lasted.”

As I too discovered the traffic is horrific. You manage about two miles per hour amid cacophonies of hooting.

Peter goes on: “Mum was at her most imperial best when asked by a fellah to put her on a camel – ‘good heavens NO’!”

I can just picture it. Ho, ho, ho.

But her son was to shame both her and Britain.

He recalls: “I was asked not to climb the pyramid by an irate policeman when already half way up, and decided on impulse to obey.

“It had nothing to do with the AK47 he was carrying ...”

Quite.

As I mentioned last week, I went out as a PR guest of Tarmac who at the time were working on what might be termed desperately needed new sewers.

We arrived at the airport to find what was apparently the normal mayhem at passport control, with queues into the middle distance.

No problem – Tarmac had cleverly hired a fixer/guide and we were whisked through in no time.

A day round the pyramids followed by a day being lowered into the sewers of Cairo.

But my abiding memory is us sitting in a massive traffic jam and exchanging pleasantries with the occupants of a next door vehicle who, on finding out we were honoured visitors to his great city, insisted on giving us a present of a basket of doves.

Refusal being out of the question – a terrible insult – we took the smelly things.

Then releasing the birds to fly free as soon as we got opportunity – I think we were supposed to eat them.

But then I tried pigeon in Hong Kong – I wouldn’t recommend it.

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